A collaborative fan-fiction put together, created and mostly written by the most excellent of taffers, MrDuck, and the equally masterful Naartjie. This work was born out of the TTLG forums, and has grown from then to what now lies before your eyes. Read on if you will, but beware, for what lies beyond, beyond in the Old Quarter has been known to reduce the most sane of taffers to a gibbering heap of burrick meat...

Introduction, by MrDuck

Ladies and gentlemen, and thieves too, from this forum and soon on an official fanfic, me and Naartjie (actually me right now, but I know Naartjie supports me ) would like now to officially announce that "Life in the Old Quarter" is officially open, in case anyone wonders WTF is this, let me explain: "Life in the Old Quarter" is the never-ending story of two hammer haunts inside the walled sector, these haunts, (which for reasons still unknown I decided to let them nameless) called Haunt1 and Haunt2 will show us all a VERY different vision of what really goes around on the old quarters, and to prove once and for all that haunts and other undead creatures aren't just the nasty looking undead fiends they appear to look (actually Haunts are very fond of jokes and pranks), Naartjie my official partner in crime and myself decided to make this a regular story, updating it on a more or less weekly basis, we would also like to invite all of the TTLG community to cash in their 2 cents worth of story, adding their own bits, sanity and sense is a big NO-NO on our stories, of course as long as it doesn't tamper with the course of the story, and messing with Haunt 1 and 2's names (yes 1 and 2 are their names), people can pick of an act where it last stood or begin a new one, but only me and Naartjie can end or begin an act. If we get enough collaborators we might also pick the best of the best of LITOQ (Life In The Old Quarter for short) by popular demand, and if we get a lot of good stuff me and Naartjie plan on making a fanfic using our stuff and the best of the stuff the community posts in here, so remember kiddies to join us, join US, JOIN US NOWWWWwwwww....

At this point and before we begin, I should also like to acknowledge the contributions of Marecki, punkard, LordBurrickBreath and Tonamel to the original 'Life in the Old Quarter' thread on the TTLG forums. These people have added to the post and kept the story going along, and we invite anybody to do the same ( though it is advisable to read MrDuck's above guidelines before you do so...) Right, here we go then...

--It was another fine night at the cathedral, all the apparitions where scaring burricks around while zombies played torso ball with the spiders, and the haunts as always were telling haunt jokes (why did the haunt cross the road?, to join the other side), Haunt1 was walking around the cemetery looking for brother Murus (brother Murus had borrowed Haunt1's sword 2 days ago and hadn't returned it):

-Haunt1: "Oh brother Murus, where art thou hiding you sneaking thief!!!???"

--As Haunt1 keeps searching for his sword and brother Murus, Haunt2 is inside the cathedral in front of where the Eye used to be:

-Haunt2: "Man...I wish something interesting would happen, I mean, I am bored stiff even, for a dead guy"

--Haunt2 mopes around while a nearby apparition juggles some flammings skulls, which fall on an unsuspecting zombie and explodes into chunks of rotten burnt meat, Haunt2 is hit on the head with the zombies head and falls on his face. Meanwhile Haunt1 still looks for his sword:

-Haunt1: "If I was an insane ghost with someone else's sword where would I hide???"

End of part 1...(but only the beginning for our stories ).

Part II

Haunt 1, still looking for his missing sword stops a nearby flame spirit....

Haunt1: "Hast thou seen Brother Murus, my friend."

The Flame spirit runs away and leaves a trail of fire arrows, which Haunt 1 slips on. They explode. Haunt2 appears from the other side of the room.

Haunt2: "HAHAHAHAHA flames nothing but flames HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Haunt1: "Laugh it up, Boney"

A zombie appears, walks in between our two heroes. And collapses.

Haunt1:"Continue your patrol"

Haunt2: "Ok ...hehe...flames.

Haunt1: "You will never let me die that down, will you?"

Haunt2: "Nope."

Haunt 2 returns to the cathedral while Haunt1 continues his search for Murus...Suddenly Murus appears out of thin air.

Murus: "Hello acolyte, don't we have a glorious cathedral?"

Haunt1: " Join us, Join us, Join US Noowwwwwwwwwwww!!!

Part III

As Murus is babbling away incomprehensibly about zombies, swords and insane zombies, a booming knock is heard from the Cathedral doors...

Haunt 2- I wonder who that is? Can't we hold a decent undead party in peace?

Haunt 1, picking himself up after being trampled by a rampaging burrick: I have no idea, mine brother. Allow me to ask the intruder.

Haunt 1 heads out to the door, opens it, and peers down the stairs of the Cathedral. The bottom is all misty, mysterious and forbidding... Suddenly a figure appears at the bottom and makes his way through the mist...

Haunt 1 - By the Eye's unholy voices! It's...

Part IV

HAUNT 1 - Benny! What are you doing in this forbidden section of the city? With your skin still on your bones, nonetheless...

BENNY - I uh *hic* followed the lil' *hic* pink elephants all the, *hic* all the, *hic* over here.. They look so.. so.. PINK! *hic*

HAUNT 2 - Where are your manners! Invite him in!

HAUNT 1 - Yes, yes. Benny please do come in and Join us! JOIN US! JOIN UuSsss NOWWWWwwwwwww!!!

Benny staggers up the steps to the Cathedral and trips over a zombie torso and lands flat on his face in a pile of...

Part V

--Benny falls on his face and falls flat on a pile of zombie meat:

-Benny: "EEEEWWW!!! some taf*hic*fer spilled his *hic* guts all over the *hic* floor!!!!"

-Haunt1: "Yeah, so???"

-Benny: "But you *hic* don't understand *hic**hic**hic*, these taffers have no taste for *hic* such GOOD FLOORING!!!!!"

-Haunt1: "Oh pipe down mortal...your givin' me a headache, and I still gotta find brother Murus, rascal has escaped again....WITH MY SWORD!!!!"

-Benny: "*hic* but...but...I feel sick....."

-Haunt1: "WAIT DOON'T!!!!!!"

-Benny: "BLUUAARRRRGGGHHHHH*splasshhh*"

-Haunt1: "Oh man....yer sick, the priests(apparitions)are gonna be pretty pissed on this...I think I will tell Haunt2 to clean this mess....damn"

-Benny: "harharharharhar*hic*, oh baby....I tink I am gunna go back to the pub fer shome more...*hic* ale insshhpection *hic*"

--Benny tries to stagger away and falls flat on his face again, this time knocking himself unconciouss:

-Haunt1: "Sheesh....whose gonna clean HIM up now???"

Part VI

Just then, an Apparition, Steve, walks in, and sees the mess that Benny made.

Steve: ?neppah siht tel syug uoy dluoc woH ?siht si tahW

Haunt 1: What?

Steve: ?neppah sith let syug uoy dluoc woh, dias I

Haunt 1 (to Haunt 2): Do you have any Idea what he's saying?

Haunt 2: Not a clue. Um... Evets, could you try enunciating a bit more? You're mumbling.

Steve: !!ENIF TSUJ KLAT I ?!?UOY THIW S'TAHW

Haunt 1: Hmm... nope. Sorry. I have no idea.

Steve throws up his hands, and does his best to stomp out, failing miserably because he lacks any substance.

Part VII

As Steve the apparation is gibbering madly at the crowd of zombies, Haunts, unconscious Benny and a few curious Burricks, a side door opens...

Murus: Right! I've had enough of this! This is silly! Stop right now, or I'll call Brother Martello back from his Eternal Rest, and he'll be pissed with you guys! Clear us this mess! Mop up Benny's pu....

Haunt 1- YEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!!!

Haunt 1 swings through the air by a rope attached to the Cathedral roof...

Murus- Argh!

Haunt 2- Unite, fellow undead! Chase this stingy spectre back to his graveyard!

The crowd of assembled undead get up and herd Murus out of the Cathedral by the side door. Benny stirs.

Benny- *hic* wha's goin on? I saw dem funny Hammerite guys wish the big shwords...showreds? schwords...

Haunt 1- Brother, this bumbling mortal is getting too much for me. I think it's time to create the first ever permanently drunk undead guard!

Haunt 2- I agree! Join us! Join us NOOOOOOOwwwwWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!