ACT VII- "It's a wonderful Afterlife"

Scene I - Winky's Dilemma

As everyone knows we all have an evil twin, somewhere he awaits for us...to enter into our lives to make it a living hoo-ha, on this case Winky(as we lovingly call him)is the Eye's evil twin-gemstone, and now you may ask "Someone more evil than the Eye?, that cannot be!!!", well.....technically no, Winky is another type of evil, he's more like...

-Haunt1: "OH SHUT UP NARRATOR WILL YA AND BEGIN WITH THE STORY!!!"

No need to yell....

-Haunt1: "Oh hush...just begin ok?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah...yadda yadda...anyways, on with the story

-Haunt1: "Good..."

Our story then begins in a small apartment (3rd floor to be precise...) outside of the Old Quarter, where a shadowy man makes even shadowier plans

-Shadowy Man (talking to himself out loud): "The time is near my friends....soon they will learn to fear me....muahahahhaa! I will show them all what I can do once I have.....THE EYE!!!!"

Our shadowy man chuckles to himself evilly as he prepares some equipment, once he is finished with a smile he leaps out of the window when he suddenly remembers he lives on the 3rd floor

-Shadowy Man: "Whoops..."

With a shriek the shadowy man hits the paved floor with a heavy thud, after 10 minutes of foul language which would make the roughest sailors blush our shadowy man heads out for the Old Quarter.

Meanwhile on the Old Quarter in front of the cathedral haunt1 is making his rounds.

-Haunt1 (mumbling): "How come I gotta pull guard duty while Haunt2 gets to drink unholy water with the Eye and Benny...I protest, indeed I do..."

As Haunt1 keeps grumbling Winky floats past him without Haunt1 noticing

-Winky: "Phew...he didn't see me...now lemme see if...aaah good, my brother is not here...hehehe, time for some mischief"

Winky floats towards the Cathedral's main altar and hovers above it

-Winky: "Ok now I gotta practice my voice so I can be a good eye like my bro...muahahahahaha"

Meanwhile back to our shadowy figure who after stumbling with 3 cops and tripping twice with his sword finally reaches the walls of the Old Quarter

-Shadowy Man: "Finally *puff**puff* now to *puff* climb this wall *puff* with my rope and hook"

The shadowy man throws out his hook attached to a rope and has the sheer luck of it striking a zombie's torso on the other side

-Zombie: "Urrrrrrgghhh!!!"

The shadowy man pulls a few times the rope to make sure it's safe and begins to climb pulling the zombie up with every effort

-Shadowy Man: "Hehehehehe, like taking candy from a baby...."

When the shadowy man reaches the top of the wall he comes face to face with a zombie

-Zombie: "Urgh???"

-Shadowy Man: "HOLY POOP!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!"

In sheer panic the shadowy man lets go off the rope and falls on his ass on the floor below. Meanwhile...

-Winky: "I feel it in my bones that something will happen tonight...Oh wait, I have no body....hehehehehe"

And Haunt1 keeps grumbling...

-Shadowy Man(on the floor): "I will...ow...get....ow...that....ow...ow....Eye!!!....ow...my butt!!!"

Oh no! The dreaded Winky descends upon our beloved cathedral! (this is what it looks like from his evil red vision).

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Scene II

On the other side of St. Yora's, Haunt 2 and Benny emerge after their Hauntmas Mead session.

Haunt 2- Damn, my clothes got all wet again...really must remember to wear my cloth diaphragm next time...

Benny- No problemsh! Now the burricksh'll love you...they likesh the shmell of mead ever shinshe I got them all drunksh!

Haunt 2- Burricks...?

Nearby burrick outside the Cathedral- Muuuuurgh!

Haunt 2- Aaaah! Flee!

Benny- Hey, waitsh! Don't run off!

Haunt 2 goes tearing off outside the Cathedral away from the gathering crowd of burricks running after him

Meanwhile, the shadowy man is cowering in a corner while an angry zombie with a grappling hook through its nose searches for him.

Zombie- Muuurgh!

Shadowy Man- meeblemeeblemeeble!

Just as the zombie is about to discover the Shadowy man, Haunt 2 comes screaming round the corner as fast as he can go, chased by 4 excited burricks.

Haunt 2- Heeeelp!

As Haunt 2 passes the scene at 90 miles per hour, he accidentally knocks the angry zombie over. One of the four burricks instinctively grabs the grappling hook rope as the zombie thrashes around on the ground, towing the now enraged zombie down the street following Haunt 2, hurling parts of zombie about the streets as they go with a loud squelch! sound..

Run Haunt Run! Those burricks are licking their lips and chasing the smell of Benny's mead!

And there goes what started the train of insanity! Round and round the Old Quarter they go, where they stop nobody knows!

Shadowy Man- Aaah, he's gone..now I can continue.

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Scene III

Haunt 1 has fallen asleep from the uneventful patrol watch. He is awoken by a strange noise.

Haunt 1- Bless my soul! I have not heard the likes of such since that day when the eye started bringing in radio broadcasts, despite the fact that the radio wasn't invented yet...of course we do have electricity and that was not invented till..but never mind that. What sound is that that vibrates my very skull? It draws nearer still...

The ever-growing train of running Haunt 2, dozens of burricks, and a zombie dragging behind, followed by Benny zooms by. The dragging zombie tries to grab something to pull it free from the madness. Haunt 1 runs in pure fright from the ghastly scene (and believe me you thought the undead were frightening, this was just heart-stopping, luckily Haunt 1 was already dead or he'd have been killed on the spot.) The dangling zombie's arm finally grasps something course and red...It's Haunt 1's trouser leg!

The train of madness streams throughout the Old Quarter and, with all its built up force, ploughs through the Old Quarter stone wall, making the first opening ever in this great wall, which (besides the Wall of China) is the only manmade object visible from space. The mob then proceeds to the city!

Ahhh!!! Innocent bystanders and lamp posts are at risk of being totally mowed over!

Two city guards see something flash by.

Guard 1- Did you see that UZO (unidentifiable zooming object) just zoom by?

Guard 2- Uhhhh....?

Guard 1- They must have broken at lease twelve city violations, not to mention twenty federal laws.

Guard 2- I didn't see nothin' Hank, less just go and get a doughnut.

Guard 1- Couldn't agree more. I get the feeling this will be a bad night, better stock up on some joos while I'm at it.

Oh no! The big wall surrounding the Old Quarter has been smashed through! Who would do such a thing and cause such chaos? Now there's a link between the world of the dead and the living!

Meanwhile...

Shadowy Man- Great that fool's drinking has emptied out the entire Old Quarter. Now the Eye is mine! ALL MINE! Nothing will stop me.

A duck from last scene enters, looks up at the Shadowy Man and coughs

Shadowy Man- What are you coughing at?

The duck transforms to the eye and the Shadowy Man screams like a girl.

Eye: (actuallY Winky, pretending to be his brother, the Eye)- You foolish Shadowy Man! I am the eye. I am here to make a living hoo-ha out of men's lives, or afterlives. Unfortunately I have no affect on women, but never mind that! I am the one who has driven all the haunts out of here, so that I may make a hoo-ha out of your life too, without disturbing my good LITOQ residents!

Shadowy Man- Wh-wh-what are y-you going to do with me?

Winky- Foolish are you for thinking that you could capture me. Now you will undergo proper punishment!

A strange feeling throbs through the Shadowy Man's body....

Looks like its play time for Winky. Watch as he makes a hoo-ha out of that poor shadow man's essence!

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Scene IV

The Shadowy Man's form begins to shift in and out of focus, and then to change colour. Soon he begins to shrink...to compact, and then to harden..

Winky- Bwa ha! Fear my creation! Now the Mystic's Heart and the Mystic's Soul will have a new friend to play with! It's...The Mystic's Fart!

Shadowy Man in gemstone speak - Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Winky- Now go, go and fly to the Bonehoard to your friends!

The Mystic's Fart rises up, spins for a few seconds letting off sparks which ignite a nearby zombie soaked in burrick breath, and blasts into the ground, tunnelling towards the City...

Winky- Now, to make myself at home and prepare to deal with my brother when he returns!

Meanwhile, the undead train of insanity, after taking a shortcut through Lord Bafford's Manor, Ramirez's Garden and Boldy Fatguppins's Shoppe of Rare and Interestinge Potions (the effects of which turned one burrick green with blue spots) and picking up several terrified servants and a drunk guard, emerges onto a flat plain of grass, which they tumble over and are sent tripping and flying over a small brick wall. The vast train lands in a colossal bunch up over the other side of this wall, which is curiously surrounded by broken down houses, bent gates and a nasty smelling grey figure on the floor...

Haunt 2- Wooooo! What a ride! Anyone seen my collar bone? Aaah, mr Fleshy with a sword. Would you be so kind as to? Aaah, thank you kindly. Oh, I am terribly sorry, how rude of me to forget my manners like that! Let me see, erm....Join us! Join us NoooOOOooowwwww.....

Haunt 1- Flames, nothing but Flames!!

Drunk Guard and servant - Aaa *hicsh* graaah!

The two living humans tear off out of the area back towards the nearest tavern to steady their nerves

Haunt 1- Hmmm...where are we? Looks familiar...

At that moment Haunt 1 is bowled over by a frantic burrick yelping and bouncing around with a small brown object drilling into its behind. The burrick hurtles off into one of the houses, closely followed by Haunt 1 toppling behind it.

Haunt 1- Aah! [notices the long drop below him as he rolls into the broken down building] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Haunt 1 falls the full length down through the wooden boards into the upper levels of the Bonehoard, and lands heavily on top of the burrick, now released from the drilling, spinning gemstone

Haunt 2, having jumped down after Haunt 1- Oh no you don't! Grab that gemstone!

Haunt 2 makes a grab for the Mystic's Fart, now drilling its way through the ground deeper into the Bonehoard's floors

Haunt 2- Aha! What's this? A talking gemstone?

Shadowy Man in gemstone speak- Yes! Please help me! The evil Winky sent me here to make a hoo-ha out of my life, and has taken over the Old Quarter! The last thing I saw was him filling in the hole your train made with zombie putty he mercilessly mashed up from innocent, carefree zombies! He's eeeevil!

Haunt 1, picking himself up.- So I can see. We must raise an army! We must return and conquer the Old Quarter for ourselves and banish Winky forever!

Haunt 2- But how, brother?

Haunt 1- Simple! We must find the Eye!

Haunt 2- But he's in Hawaii, surfing and sunbathing!

Haunt 2- Well....we do have 25 mad crazed burricks here. I'm sure we can get to Hawaii somehow. Besides, it'd be good for them, they haven't had a good run in ages....

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Scene V

Some time later...

Haunt1: Left, right, left, right... You on the left, I see you! Now dig, there is still a long way to Hawaii!

Haunt2: I'd say, these burricks are getting lazier and lazier with every passing day. I mean, just 10 metres in half an hour?!

Haunt1: Too much Burrick Treats (TM), too little work. Besides, I'm beginning to think that Winky will take over the Old Quarter before we manage to get even halfway.

Haunt2: You may have a point, brother of mine. We must find another way of solving this situation... but what would it be?

Both haunts slowly stroll deeper into the Bonehoard, deep in conversation.

A few tombs later...

Haunt2: ...no? Well, perhaps launching Benny to Hawaii with a large slingshot is not such a good idea after all. Bless! kicks some bones

???: YEOWWW!!!

Haunt1: ???

Haunt2: What?

One of the skeletons suddenly stands up, groaning and rubbing its arm bone

Skeleton: Well, well, well. Is that some new weird custom of the Old Quarter, kicking as a form of welcome?

both Haunts: Haunt5!!!

Haunt5: No, no, no! If you call me numbers again I'll drown you in the holy water font! I've got nothing in common with you. You disgrace our kind!

Haunt1: Feeling a bit under the weather?

Haunt5: Well... sort of. See, I've been trying to get a few years nap, but time after time some taffer comes looking for the Gems and I get teleported to the statue room. I can't stand it!

Haunt1: Oh.

Haunt2: By the way, we've noticed you are, well, naked...

Haunt5: That's because of these blessed thieves as well. Just a few weeks back I was sleeping quietly in this here niche, and out of the blue some guy comes in and pokes me in my pelvis with his sword. That really pissed me off! Fortunately he was a complete idiot, otherwise I would be quite unable to speak with you at the moment. So, just in case, I hide my stuff in that here vase so they let me sleep.

Haunt2: But when you get teleported, don't you appear naked as well?

Haunt5: No comments.

A minute of uncomfortable silence...

Haunt5: So, what brings you here?

Haunt1: Actually, "who" would be a better question, but let's not bother with details. The main problem is, Winky is trying to take over the Quarter again and we have to stop it!

Haunt5: Oooh, Winky. What is it this time, selling audio cylinders with Brother Murus' shower songs? Pardon my sarcasm.

Haunt2: You don't value Winky too high, do you. Well, maybe you're right: there is a long way from creating Mystic's Fart to taking over our home...

Haunt5: WHAT?!?!! Another one of the Mystic's Gems?! Now that's just too much, I get hardly any rest with those already here!!! There is no way I'm letting it into Bonehoard.

Haunt1: Well...

Haunt2: ...Umm...

Haunt1: ...It's already here...

Haunt2: ...Sorry.

Haunt5: !!!

Fifty-odd expletives later...

Haunt5: ...and I'm going to talk to the Eye about all this or I'm a zombie. Where is it?

both Haunts: In Hawaii.

Haunt5: In that case there is no time to lose! You two, it's time you did something useful for a change. Somewhere around here there is a giant slingshot...

As our two haunts wonder through the bonehoard they run into something: It's Haunt 5! He's stripped bare and none too happy about it either!

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Scene VI - "Life in the Old Quarter"- "The end of a legend, and the beginning of another one."

We return to the Bonehoard....

Haunt 5- Slingshot, slingshot...I'm sure I saw a zombie messing about with one earlier..

Haunt 1- Hey! What's this thing?

Haunt 2- Hmm, it would appear to be...a sling!

Haunt 5- Yes, that's what I had to use when I took a nasty fall last year through all the beams on the way down to the Mystic's Heart. Teleporter was broken, so I had to go and scare off a thief manually. One of the burricks ended up merged with a passing thief. What was his name? Adolphina? Adolphone? Never mind. He died anyway, and was zombiefied with a burrick head. Nasty case.

Haunt 2- Erm, if you don't mind, we have an Old Quarter to save from a demented talking gemstone..

Haunt 5- Oh yes, forgive me. Where could it be? A-ha!

Haunt 1- Where? I want an autograph!

Haunt 5- No, silly Haunt. I just remembered where I left my slingshot.

Haunt 1- Where?

Haunt 5- In my pocket!

Haunt 2- Pocket? How're we supposed to get to Hawaii with a pocket slingshot?

Haunt 5- We aren't. We can use the teleporter in the Bonehoard.

Haunt 2- Then why did you spend all that time looking for your slingshot?

Haunt 5- I don't really know, actually. Must be burricks on the brain. Anyway, as I was about to say, we can only teleport two Haunts, because we only have two teleporters. One in the Mytic's Heart chamber, and one in the area leading to the Mystic's Soul. Only problem is....there's a flame spirit patrolling there, and ever since he caught me toasting marshmallows on his beard while he was asleep, he's not been to friendly towards Haunts...

Haunt 1- Oh well, we'll get past him when we get there. Let's go.

Haunt 2- I'll take the Mytic's Heart teleporter, then.

Haunt 2 goes scuttling off to the first teleporter, while Haunt 1 and Haunt 5 head off to the flame spirit's patrol zone...

Haunt 5- Right. I reckon if I distract him by , well, doing something, you can sneak past and get into the teleporter. Agreed?

Haunt 1- Well, OK. Look, there he is!

Haunt 5- Ok, here I go.....Join us! Join us NoooOOOwwwww...

Flamey,, waking up- Mmmm, tasty Haunt bone to scorch!

Haunt 5 disappears off down the stairs towards a set of darkened crypts, while Haunt 1 sneaks sneakily into the teleport zone...

Plingggg!

Wow! I never knew there was a portal between the Bonehoard and Hawaii! Well it's a good thing Haunt 5 found it then because Haunt 1 and 2 need to go there and get the real Eye to dismiss the imposter.

Haunt 1- Oh. That was quick.

Haunt 2- Brother! Look where we are!

Haunt 1- The sun! The sea! The sand!

Haunt 2- Erm....where?

Haunt 1- Good question. It appears....Hawaii is rather different from what I expected.

Haunt 2- Yes....should there be so many...erm...ghosts and stuff?

Haunt 1- Look out! An insane wild foreign zombie!

A zombie in a grass skirt wobbles up to Haunt 2, kisses him on the cheekbone, and puts a wreath of rotted black flowers round his neck

Haunt 2- Oh, not so...

Haunt 1- Well Hi there, baby. You come here oft..

Haunt 2- Come on, we need to find the Eye, he's zombified the whole place and could be hard to find!

The Eye- Surf's up, dude! Feel that rip and jazz the glass!

Haunt 2- Oh, perhaps not so difficult. What's he doing?

Haunt 1- He appears to have hi-jacked the sea-going craft of another zombie...ah! He's just sunk into the water! Let's get him!

Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 go plunging into the ocean to retrieve the Eye, in the grasp of a zombie possessing rather more long, blonde hair than usual, and a pair of board-shorts to match.

The Eye- Hey dude, what's the rush! You guys gotta learn to reeeelax.

Haunt 1- The Old Quarter is under the influence of Winky! He's inviting mortals in to come and build housing estates and toy shops and erm...what were his words? 'Liven up the place'. It's terrible! The Serpentyle Torc house has been re-papered! He's put air-freshening inscence in to make it more homely, and is living there commanding our poor zombies to paint and decorate the whole place. *snif* I just can't bear it!

Haunt 2- See how unhappy he is? You must come with us to end Winky's good intentions for the Old Quarter and restore evil and vileness, to noxify and pollute our home!

The Eye, Well dude, I might as well, Hawaii was getting a little boring anyways...let's go.

Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 carry the Eye back towards their teleport location, and stand ready..

Plingggg!

Haunt 1- Aaaah! The colour! The freshness! The Horror!

Haunt 2- We appear to have landed in the Old Quarter once again..

The Eye- Yes , my doing, that. Now, to the Serpentyle Torc house!

Winky- I don't think you'll be doing that, silly Haunts...you see, the OLD QUARTER IS MINE! See my influence! My Powers!

Nearby woman- Welcome, merry gentlemen! Would you like some lemon meringue?

Nearby Man- Hoho, it's always Story-time in the New Quarter! Come, have some wine with me and toast our happy times!

Haunt 1- Nooooo! Mortals in our sacred home!

The Eye- Fear not, brave Haunts, I shall save the day!

Plinggggg!

Haunt 2- Ow, my head spins, I can't get used to this teleport thing...

Haunt 1- Where are we? I don't recognise this place...argh, those colours..

Winky- Of course you don't recognise this place, I redecorated it! Now it's full of the joys of spriiiiiiiing! The fresh, mountain air! Welcome to my land of peace and happiness, where lemon meringue and nude dwarves live in harmony!

The Eye- I am .......THE EYE!

Winky- Shut up, I haven't finished yet! Where was I...oh yes. Where swallows and ostriches dance merry jigs and mushrooms grow on every surface!

The Eye- Brother, silence! I should have done this a long, long time ago. Better run, little brother...

Winky- What are you on about, little gemstone? You are insignificant to my world of milk and yoghurt!

The Eye- It's time for.....THE NOOGIE OF DEATH!

Winky- What? Silence, or I'll call a nude dwar...

Winky is suddenly gripped by an invisible force. The top of his form begins to glow red, and gets redder by the second, as the form of a giant hand, rubbing back and forth, bores into his gemstone head....suddenly, he is gone without a word. He just disappears, without a trace.

The Eye- I have defeated him, he shall reign no longer. But his good work remains...I leave that responsibility up to you, good Haunts, go forth and murder, plunder, ruin and rampage! To help you, here's a few hundred burricks!

Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!Pling!

Burrick hoard- Gnuuuuuuurrrgh!

Haunt 5, running up to the other two- Am I late? Did I miss the party?

Haunt 1- No, cousin, the party is just about to begin!

Haunt 2- To arms! Draw thy swords!

Haunt 1 and Haunt 2- Join us! Join us! Join us NooooOOOOOooooowwwwwwwwwwww..........

And so we leave our intrepid heroes, and the Eye returns to his place at the Cathedral, but is most pissed off to find that his Hammerite altar has been replaced with a large inflatable dinosaur bouncy castle, and the graveyard as a folk-dancing arena. With a quick conjuring spell he fixes these two mistakes, and as the last of his strength gives out, he returns to hibernation once more.

Some hours later…

Passing burrick- Buuurp.

Remember, we thrive on your feedback. We’ve worked hard on this update, and if you want to say anything at all about it, we’d be delighted for you to write to us. All feedback about LITOQ in general can be sent to MrDuck at darkluigi@hotmail.com, and all feedback on the pictures done by our very own Sharga can be sent to sheep_ish_lion_@hotmail.com. All feedback will be passed on to all members through MrDuck. See you all for the next update or back on the forums ;)