ACT VI- "Grateful Undead"

Scene I

The Cathedral had returned to its usual peaceful self again All the dwarves, rednecks, Mr Ts, DrClicks and Foolsters had been banished, never to return again...or at least we hope. You see the others had been bound up in dirty socks and tossed in the nearby grate, leading to the river. But the Foolster, well he disappeared. But let us forget him for the time and return to the present.

Benny- I'm *HIC* glad we got our peace *HIC* back again my brothers.

Murus- Yes. Now you see what happens when you invite rednecks and naked dwarves to your party. The dance was going so well too.

Benny- Yah, and the drink was *hic* good. Benny sighs and falls over unconscious.

Murus- But the hang-over was to die for. Heh heh.

Haunt 1- Did you see the moves I put on that zombie girl?

Haunt 2- Oh please. I find a night locked in the bathrooms with a plunger more romantic than you- ya scruffy looking nerf-herder.

Haunt 1- Scruffy looking nerfherder? Well did you notice that Veronica, goes by the name of Victoria only on Saturdays between the hours of 8 AM through midnight, was there? I could have had her too, if I wanted!

Haunt 2- Veronica? You're taffing me! You could never get even close to her.

Haunt 1- Wanna bet!

Haunt 2- Sure!

Murus- Now boys! We just finished a major brawl and the Cathedral is back to normal again. Can you please not get into another argument?

Haunt 2, not listening to Murus- Then by the time Benny wakes up, and after that much drinking it will probably be in 24 hours, you and I will come back to the cathedral. The one with the best girl, dead or alive, gets a golden bone replacement!

Haunt 1- A golden bone replacement! I have wanted one for years! You're on! Haunt 1 slaps Haunt 2's hand in agreement

Murus- Please, wait!

The two haunts race out the doors onto the city streets

Murus: Fine then! No one listens to me. I'm just an old ghost who no one cares about. Hrmph! Not fair!

A thief (perhaps you know him) walks up to Murus. He tells him that he wants to find a way out of the cathedral, and he's desperate. Murus is about to say simply kick the old front doors and they will open...but he reconsiders. "If I get myself an even better girl then there won't be any hard feelings between our two haunts" he thinks to himself. "And besides I've always wanted at least one bone in my body, gold or not. I hate being just an empty, transparent guy." So he tells the thief (I'm sure you've heard of the guy) to go find him the hottest girl out there.

Thief- What!!

Murus- You heard what I said, now git!

Thief- But how in the world?

Murus- Don't come back till you have her. Understand? Or I'll never let you out of the Cathedral.

Thief (mumbles)- No one at TTLG ever told me about this part of the mission. Murus is such a grouchy old man er ghost. Probably because no one cares about him.

Murus- What did you say?

Thief- Nothing, nothing. I'm going right now!

Sprints away.......

Murus- Thieves these days. No respect for the undead!

Benny- *hic*

Murus (calls)- And hurry up with it! Why, in my day...

Murus continues his long lectures that no one listens to anymore. The two Haunts begin the search for some hotties and the thief (Yah, you know who I'm talking about) heads out of the Cathedral, complaining about his task.

Our two heroes run off out of the Cathedral to find some serious undead girls, nearly stumbling on a poor drunken zombie.

Murus and the Thief having a little chat...

Looks like Murus is smiling, or is that just a crack in the pillar behind him? Well our thieving friend does not look too happy after hearing what he has to do.

Scene II

Haunt1 and Haunt2 jog to a halt at the end of a street.

Haunt1: Perhaps we should split up. After all, I don't want you around scaring away any potential girls.

Haunt2: Me? What about you? You're not much to look at yourself.

Haunt1 notices something moving atop a nearby wall.

Haunt1: Hey! Look over there! What do you suppose that is?

The dark shape begins climbing down the wall. Suddenly, it slips off the wall and falls to the ground with a noisy thud - spilling arrows everywhere.

Haunt2: Do you suppose it's another thief? We get so many in here these days.

Haunt1: No, it couldn't be a thief. It's making way too much noise to be a thief.

Voices could be heard on the other side of the wall.

Voice1: Come back here you ... coward!!!

Voice2: Ha! That stupid thief just climbed over into the Old Quarter!

Voice1: He won't come out of there alive!

The two humans laughed, and then began walking away. The thief picked himself up, dusted himself off, and began picking up the arrows.

Haunt1: Well, bless my bones! It is a thief!

Haunt2: Not a very good one, apparently.

Haunt1: Shall we go over and say hi?

Haunt2: Yes, let's do.

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Scene III

The two haunts wander over to find out who the thief is. He is busy picking up his arrows. As Haunt1 approaches him, he hears him mumbling...

Thief: That's the last time I listen to a servant. 'Oh no, it's totally unguarded. You won't have any problem getting in..' Whatever...what kind of madman puts a goblet on the grass in the middle of his lawn? That's the last time I take a job like that...

He looks up suddenly at the clanking of Haunt1's chains. As he sees the face, he screams, and drops all his arrows again. Haunt1 tries to put him at ease, but while waving his arms around in what he thinks is a calming manner, accidentally knocks the human out.

Haunt2: Well, that was brilliant. Knock out the guest, why don't you?

Haunt1: Shut up. It wasn't my fault...the hammer slipped."

Haunt2, smiling ingratiatingly: Of course. Whatever you say...

The man on the floor begins moaning Haunt 2 steps forward

Haunt 2: Let me show you how to treat a guest. Let's invite him to come and talk with us a bit, shall we?

Haunt 2 leans over the man until his face is merely a few inches from the man's. Then, as his eyes open, Haunt 2 speaks

Haunt 2: Join Us! Join Us Now! We're going to...

Thief: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! (Haunt1 later remarked that it seemed screaming was something he did a lot),

The Thief gibbers stupidly and throws a handful of arrows at Haunt 2. One gets stuck in his eye socket, and as he pulls it out, the Thief gets up and runs away. Meanwhile, Haunt 1 watches the scene contemplatively.

Haunt 1: Yes, yes, I see. Of course, I was doing it all wrong. That's how you welcome a guest. Thanks for the pointer.

Haunt 2: Shut up.

A close by burrick collapses under the weight of the arrow joke.

Bless my soul it is a thief! Shall we go over and say hi?
Our clumsy thief is looking a little dazed. Boy is he in for a surprise!

Great! You knocked him out. Let me show you how we treat a guest...

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Scene IV

As Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 keep looking for hot chicks, The Thief(well, the original, more adept one…You know who it is)walks around The Old Quarter kicking rocks and talking to himself in a loud voice.

Thief - I can`t believe that Murus sends me off to find women for him. Why couldn't he just have wanted me to find his Candle or something?

As he kept walking down the streets he suddenly heard a groan and looked up. He saw a zombie walking against him. At the same time he noticed that he stood outside "Uncle Macdonald's Dress Parlour" He looked at the zombie and then the shop. His eyes moved between the zombie and the shop for several minutes.

Thief (You know him)- I just got a brilliant idea....

He quickly jumped the zombie and dragged it into the shop. He tied it to a chair and went to work. Soon the zombie had a blue dress and after a quick stop in other some other stores the zombie also had a blonde wig. The zombie moaned in horror as The Thief (Guess who) moved in on it with a makeup kit.

A hour later...

Thief - There that wasn`t so bad was it?

The zombie now looks as a major hottie. Well for an undead hottie, that is.

Zombie - Ughhhhhhh!!!

Thief - Can`t you sound more feminine?

Zombie - Nooooooo way!!!

The Thief kicks the zombie in that special place.

Zombie - Ughhhh!!!!!!!!

Thief - That's better! Lets find Murus!

The thief (you know him) doesn't have to search far for a zombie, the place is littered with them. He takes her by the hand and leads her to the beauty shop for an amazing makeover.

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Scene V

Meanwhile in another part of the Old Quarter...

Having left his friend, Haunt1 walks down the streets, deep in thoughts.

Haunt1: Alright, if I were a girl in the Old Quarter, where would I be hiding... Let's think: in the Quarter there are zombies, apparitions, us haunts, burricks, craymen, both gems, brother Murus - and about half a million other beings every day that come here as if it were some kind of a supposedly funny story, not a haunted (heh, haunted) place. The zombies... well, I suspect there are some female zombies, but let's have some dignity shall we? Apparitions... no chicks only some bearded dudes. Burricks... let's just say I'm not interested okay? Craymen... one of them would do - if there were any way to tell its gender, that is. I guess that leaves only the occasional guests...

Passing the drawbridge, Haunt1 absent-mindedly kicks something that rolls away noisily. The haunt, his thought interrupted, looks at the object and notices that it's actually a skull.
A spark of new thought appears in the undead warrior's eye sockets...

Haunt1: What was I thinking?! It's obvious that the best girl for a haunt would be a girl haunt! No-one's ever said they don't exist, right? There just aren't any in the Quarter. And that means I have to... The golden bone will be MINE!!! Bwahahaha... *cough*,*cough*. Ack!

In no time Haunt1 assembles all the burricks by the waterway, climbs the upper ledge in order to be clearly visible and starts talking:

Haunt1: Fellow burricks!

Some burrick: Urp?

Haunt1: I know I'm not a burrick, it's just a figure of speech. Now, back to the point: fellow burricks!

The same burrick: Urp?

Haunt1: Well, a figure of speech is something that... that... Aww, forget it. Listen all of you! I want you to bring me bones!

The same burrick: Urp?

*THWAP!*

Haunt1, putting the remaining pieces of a lead pipe back on the ledge: ...my patience hath run out, you smart-ass belcher. Now where was I... Bones! I want you to search the whole Quarter for bones. Look everywhere! Even dig for them if necessary, but don't stop until you bring me a complete female skeleton! All the other bones you find will be your reward. Now go, go, GO!!!

The burricks start burping happily and in no time the gathering place is empty short of the haunt and one small dazed burrick with a big lump on its head.

Haunt1: Maybe I've overdone this a bit...

A distant cry: !!!kcirrub diputs uoy yawa oG !hctap deew yM

Haunt1: ...naah. Now, off to the alchemist's shop to get everything else ready. If the burricks bring the skeleton, nothing will stop me from creating... a hauntess!!!
Tum de dum...

Haunt1 walks away, whistling cheerfully through his nasal sockets

See Haunt 1 up there by the window? He sure has a large crowd of burricks...
Now listen fellow burricks, I know I'm not a burrick, it's just a figure of speech...

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Scene VI

Haunt 2, having separated from his brother, sets off in search of the newest 'guest' of the Old Quarter, anxious to give a good first impression to the terrified thief.

Haunt 2- Thiefy! Here thiefythiefythiefy!

Curses, the first guest we get in here for decades, and he runs off in a panic without his arrows...I'll have to find him before the zombies do...

Haunt 2 continues down the street, passing a dressmaker's.

Haunt 2- Aaaah, those were the days back in my human form, taking a stroll down to the stores to pay Gertrude Heinkelpimper a visit..'Doughie' she used to call me...

*FLASH!*

Haunt 2- Aaah! My sockets! Damned flashbombs, they always go off when you least expect them to!

Thief- Quick, Zomberella, go, before he sees us!

Haunt 2- Zomberella? Hey, Wait a sec! I smells Hot Chix!

Zomberella- Gnurghg! Gnughghygh gh muuuuuuh!

(rough translation- Hey Boney-boy! One night with me, and by dawn those bone's'll be SHAKEN!)

Thief- Nonono! You can't love him! You're for Murus!

Haunt 2, having recovered his sight- Hey baby! What brings you to this part of the City?

Close by, the sound of spilling arrows can be heard...

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Scene VII

Haunt 2- I don't think I've seen you around this part of the Old Quarter.

Thief (Guess who?)- Run zomberella! Run!

Haunt 2- Come to me baby!

Zomberella does not move and Haunt 2 already has his arms around what's left of her waist. The thief does not feel like fighting a haunt, especially one during the mating season, they tend to get really feisty about their mates. So he runs off into the shadows.

Haunt 2- So, you're all mine now baby. What do you want to do? We have plenty of time before Benny wakes up. I've got a shiny new burrick that can go from 0 to 30 in a minute. I hope your parents don't mind.

Zomberella- Grrrnnn. Mrrrphhh hhrrrmmmmmmm.

Haunt 2- Good! I never obeyed curfews anyhow. My parents always warned me to be back before the sunrise, but hey what good has that done me?

The two speed off on Haunt 2's shiny new burrick, Haunt 2 craftily dodges the irregular burrick traffic. We return to Haunt 1 and his crowd of burricks.

Haunt 1- Great! Great! We almost have a complete female skeleton. All we need is the femur. A small burrick with a lump on his head comes up carrying a female femur. Hey! Don't drool on it! That's part of my new lover. Now I just need someone to help me bring her back to life, err death.

The thief (his identity shall not be revealed) has been hiding in the shadows listening the whole time. He has discovered a new opportunity for escape. He emerges from the shadows.

Thief- I can help you.

Haunt 1- Good...You will have to perform a few tricks to help me bring her back. And while I'm at it I might as well put some skin on her.

Thief- I'll do anything, as long as you tell me how to get out of this cathedral area.

Haunt 1- Why all you have to do is-
um yah it's very difficult, but uhh, well first help me then I'll help you...

Awww look at the adorable couple. Is zomberella groping??

Again our favorite lovers of the Old Quarter. And there's that beautiful convertible burrick speedster in the back.

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Scene VIII

Haunt 1- Right, my good thief, we'll need some skin for this skeletal sex goddess, and I know where to get it from! Ever heard the saying 'There's more than one way to skin a zombie'?

Thief- Erm...

Haunt 1- My task for you-simply to bring me a zombie! That's all, a totally knocked out cold zombie, whose skin we can use to construct my new lover...right, begone!

Thief- Hey! How the heck am I supposed to knock out a zombie? They just keep getting back up again!

Haunt 1- I'm sure you'll think of something me boy, now skip skip, off you go...

The thief disappears off into the Old Quarter, on the lookout for easily targeted zombies, scheming on the ideal way to knock one out....

There's the bones to make a fine Hauntess, but they need to be assembled and we're gonna need some skin...

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Scene IX

As our good thief goes out to look for a way to bump a zombie for good, Haunt1 is working around with the "zombiette" he has on his hands

Haunt1 (on a fake french accent): "You vill become zee great masterpiece my dear...I shall make thee az beyotiful like no other zombie has ever been before"

Zombiette: "Uuuurrrggghhhh"

Haunt1: "Yes, yes be patient my petite zombie, soon you will be more beyotiful than ever!!!"

Zombiette looks into Haunt1's empty eye sockets and Haunt1 looks back...and sparks fly

Meanwhile....

Thief: "Ok, so now I am in front of a zombie infested street....now what?, hmmm.....I KNOW!!!!"

Our good thief pulls out a small vial of holy water and sprinkles some to his sword

Thief: "Time to do some head damage....oh yeah

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Scene XI

As the thief is trying to find a nice-looking zombie to skin, he runs - literally - into brother Murus.

Thief: Oh no! Everything is red and blurry! I'm getting blind!

Murus: Wouldst thou mind removing thy flesh from my inside?

Thief: Oh, it's you! *takes a quick step back and almost loses his balance; fortunately he still's got his sword drawn* What are you doing so far away from the Cathedral?

Murus: Hast thou seen my Orb of Communication around here? I suspect Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 were playing with it while I was away recovering, and now I cannot find it anyway - and I have an important call to make!

Thief: The... Orb of Communication...?

Murus, continuing: Besides, we must order some more Burrick Treats (TM)... Say, why do you have your sword drawn?

Thief: I must skin a zombie so one of the haunts will tell me how to get out of here!

Murus: Weren't thou to find me a female to accomplish that?

Thief: Well, yeah, and I've even found a gorgeous babe around here, but... the other haunt noticed me and took her away from me. Yeah, that's what's happened.

Murus: Bless that taffer! Oh well, I didn't really expected you to succeed anyway. Now tell me whether thou hath seen my Orb, and I'll tell you how to skin a zombie. A sword
isn't suitable for that purpose.

Thief: How does that thing look like?

Murus: It is round and made of light metal, a bit shiny. Hast thou seen it?

Thief: Oh, that! I've come across it in that small shed in the cloister, under some lounge chairs. I thought it was junk so I left it there...

Murus: Thank you! You've been of great use to me, acolyte.

Thief: So, how can I skin a zombie?

Murus: Zipper. Use the zipper. Now, I must be off: there is a call of extreme importance for me to make... I hope she's not out. *runs back to the Cathedral*

Thief: ...zipper...

Starts laughing, which in turn startles a nearby crayman and causes it to turn green.

The thief(You know by now who it is right?) and Murus have another 'encounter'. Always knew that thief was hiding something...

some time later...

At the alchemist's shop, Haunt1 has finally assembled everything needed to create a female haunt

Haunt1: Alright, let us go through it once more. Female skeleton?

Thief: Checked.

Haunt1: Some skin?

Thief: Checked.

Haunt1: One slightly tattered Hammerite uniform?

Thief: Checked.

Haunt1: A duck?

Duck: QUACK!

Haunt1: ...checked. Now let us put skin and clothes on the skeleton... carefully... done. At last! My beautiful hauntess is ready to come to death! I cannot wait, let us start!!!

*GNAW*

Thief: YOWWW!!!

Haunt1, chuckling: Not him, duckie. The skeleton.

*GNAW*

Haunt1: YOWWW!!! The other skeleton!

Thief chuckles. When Haunt1 looks at him, he pretends that he was actually coughing

*GNAW*

Hauntess1: YOWWW!!! Someone take this duck off my foot!

Haunt1: My love... she's ALIVE!

Thief, staring in disbelief: That's how haunts come to life? I've always expected those stories about dark rituals and necromancy to be far-fetched, but that's ridiculous!

Haunt1: Well, um... Never mind, you wouldn't probably understand anyway.

Hauntess1: Where am I? Who are you two... AHH! A SKELETON!

Thief: I don't think she understands the situation... or at least not more than me...

Haunt1: I've got whole eternity to explain things to her, but now there is no time! Come my love, we must proceed to the Cathedral!

*SMACK*

Hauntess1: Hands off you weirdo!

Haunt1, rubbing his cheekbone: I somehow sense that she doesn't like me... No matter. When we get to know each other everything will be perfect for two of us.

Thief, still staring: Come to think of it she looks pretty attractive for a living skeleton covered with burrick saliva, zombie skin and rags...

Haunt1: Don't you try anything, or you'll never leave this place! Now help me lead her to the others.

A few bruises later they set off.

Haunt1, half-turning in a doorway: Thanks, duckie.

Duck: Quack! leaves as well

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Scene XII

As Haunt 1 leads a screaming, complaining Hauntess back to the Cathedral for an unholy wedding ceremony, Haunt 2 and his new found love come screeching up on a 1957 Plymouth Burrick Extreme.

Haunt 2- Hey, brother! How's the love life going?

Haunt 1, recovering from a crippling blow to the nether regions from his bride-to-be: ultra-high voice Just fine! Urhk! You..erm..going to the *aeii!!* wedding!

Haunt 2- Sure...Zombirella and I are in undead-love! Look, we even have grooves ground away into our foreheads from repeated attempts to kiss each other with no lips!

Zombirella- Uh-huh! Gruuuuuurgh!

Haunt 2- Oh me too, my love, me too...Where should we go on our honeymoon? Willow Island? Markham's Isle? I hear thay have a fascinating 'Pirate Ship Experience' resort, as well as a ***** Dark Mark's Diner. How does that sound?

Hauntess- Oh, lovely Hauntie dear, just lovely...oh lookie! Here's the pretty Cathedral! Time to get married!

A few minutes later, the two Haunts and their girlfriends are waiting at the altar. Apart from the chains holding a furious and struggling Hauntess to the floor, all is a scene of love and happiness...

Brother Murus- Hauntess, do you take Haunt 2 to be your lawful wedded Haunt, to possess and to grab, in food poisoning and in health, to honour and obey under pain of hideous torture with foul spiky instruments?

Hauntess N..! (Hauntess is silenced by Haunt 2 stuffing a sock filled with zombie meat into her mouth)

Murus- Haunt 2, Do you take this zombie to be your lawfull..

Suddenly one of the upper doors in the Cathedral opens, and a figure comes stumbling out..

Benny- Hey! Whatsh I mished being ashleep? Whatsh thish? A weddinsh?

Hauntess- Hey! You over there with the bottle! Help me out of here!

Benny- Sshure! Here I comesh!

Benny begins to come forward, steps into midair, and falls straight off the edge.

Hauntess- Hey! You fell on top of me!

Benny - Terribly shorry, mishuss, a total mishtake..*hic*

Hauntess- Don't worry...say, is that an enlarged femur or are you just happy to see me?

Benny- Ooooh! How embarrashing!

Zombirella- Come to think of it...he does have rather an appeal. Hauntie dear, I'm just going to help mister Benny up, ok? I'll be bakc...er..in a minute! Yes, that's right, just a minute.

Haunt 2- Ok...

Zombirella- Come on Benny! Let me help you up!

Hauntess, Zombirella and Benny all link arms and pull Benny himself up in one big push.

Hauntess- Right! Let's go! Ditch these dithering Haunts, we've got bigger , erm...what's the word, bigger...fish! That's it, bigger fish to fry!

Haunt 1- Hey! Where are you two going!

Zombirella- Goodbye, Haunts! Markham's Isle, here we come!

Murus- Oh dear, this didn't go too well...

Haunt 1 - Curses! Our loves are fled! Curse the frivolity of women, undead or not!

Haunt 2- Bah!

Here it is from an Eye's eye view...(Not unlike a bird's eye view.) Our two Haunts can only sit back and sigh as their brides-to-be run to the front door...

After a few minutes of sulking and moping, Haunt 1 has an idea in true masculine style...

Haunt 1- Aaah, what the Hell. Didn't like those death-scars anyway, and her accent annoyed me.

Haunt 2- Yeah...those boils, warts and bunions didn't help either. Come to think of it, she may even have been suffering from reverse-acne...

Haunt 1- Never mind. Let's destroy something!

Haunt 2- Good idea! Wasn't there a thief around here earlier?

Murus- Yes, and I've just got a message from him through the Orb of Communication!

Dear Haunt 1 and Haunt 2-

Love- Your secret Thief.

Haunt 1 and Haunt 2- D'OH!

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