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Welcome again, gentle taffers! This is now the third update to “Life in the Old Quarter” , a forum–based fanfic, the only of its kind, where writers and taffers alike form the story! Anybody at all can add to the storyline, and see their efforts posted here! Since the last update, we’ve undergone a few changes, including the addition of two new co-writers! Both Sharga and Zantie have joined us since we last updated. Sharga, official picture master of LITOQ, has used his DromED skills to illustrate (the first fanfic writer to do so!) the adventures of our two heroes, Haunt 1 and Haunt 2, while Zantie, already an established writer, breathes new death into the stories. You can always read the latest happenings of “Life in the Old Quarter” at the Through the Looking Glass Thief General Discussion Forums, long before they reach the libraries of the Circle. You are invited, as always, to contribute to the fanfic as much or as little as you like. Well then, now that that’s over, we might as well be getting on with it… Haunt 1- On with the show!
- MrDuck, Naartjie, Marecki, Sharga and Zantie.
**** ACT V: "It's not easy being dead..." Scene I The last days have been quiet in the Old Quarter. The Eye, after a long detoxication session, has immediately fallen asleep and not even a small accident involving two zombies and a wobbly stone in the base of the altar could wake it up. There were no wild rampages: everything had been destroyed in the last one. Given that and the fact that brother Murus has decided to spend some time away to cure his recently-developed headache, it is no wonder that only one voice can be heard within the majestic Cathedral... Random Thief, still manacled to the wall: Hello? Could someone let me go? I've done everything you asked me to do! I'm starving! Hello? *** Haunt1: Hello, this is the Haunted Cathedral. I'm sorry , but there is nobody here at the moment you can speak to. Please leave a message after signal. JoinUsJoinUsNOWWW!!! (*click*) Haunt2: Who was that, my brother? Haunt1: I am afraid it was another of those pesky merchants again. Seems that brother Murus hasn't paid for a single shipment of rotten food for months! Random Thief: LET ME OUT!!! Haunt1: And this taffer in the Cathedral. How shall we tell him Murus took the key with him? His shouting is starting to annoy me. Haunt2: However reluctant I might me to say it, things used to go much more smoothly with that over-talkative spectre around. Now we just have to wait till he comes back... Say, how about paying a visit to Haunt3 and Haunt4? Haunt1: A truly splendid idea, brother of mine! We could also check up on Benny on our way there. Both haunts get up, hide the lounge chairs in the small shed and exit the courtyard behind St. Tennor's via the coal chute. Upon entering the Cathedral they draw attention of the imprisoned human. Random Thief: You! You chained me to this wall, now let me go! Haunt1: Oh, so you want to join us, eh? Random Thief: No, that's not what I meant! I want to go home to my Mom! Haunt1: Doesn't want to join us... Haunt2: ...then SHUT UP TAFFER!!! People these days... No manners at all. Both haunts leave the Cathedral and head towards the Torc house. Scene II Our Hauntly heroes are strolling through the sleeping and much hacked up streets of the Old Quarter. From a building nearby, a burrick can be heard gently snoring, a spider sleeps happily inside its newly-spun cocoon, and even the zombies have stopped their shuffling and groaning for a few hours. Haunt 1- What a peaceful night. I am glad, O brother, that all that trouble with the Eye's drunkenness was sorted out. Say, what did happen to Winky after the Eye's detoxification? Haunt 2- I have no idea mine brother. I do believe he vanished, as these mystical gemstones tend to do. Haunt 1- Well, never mind. He's probably having a nice, quiet and peaceful sleep like he rest of the Old Quarter. How I wish we ourselves were capable of sleep... Haunt 2 - I agree. The hardships of being a Haunt, eh? We get to patrol lots around the Cathedral, and only sneak out when our drunken master of a gemstone is sleeping. Haunt 1- Ah, we near our destination. Give me a femur-up, would you mine brother? Haunt 2- Certainly. I say, that was a most pleasant walk. Always nice to give the old intercostal bones a good airing…ventilate the old skull. Haunt 1, helping Haunt 2 up the wall leading to the Serpentyle Torc house- I agree. Both Haunts clamber through the gap to the Serpentyle Torc street. But something is not right... Haunt 2- Do you smell something, mine brother? Haunt 1- No, I have no nose, silly Haunt. Haunt 2- Oh yes. It just seemed appropriate when there's tension in the air to say something like that... Haunt 1 - Hang on, I do hear something though! It sounds like...a mystical magical gemstone! Haunt 2 I think we may have found where Winky is hiding... Haunt 1 looks up towards the house Haunt 1- Oh my. Scene III Both Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 approach the Torc House...and peer in through the door. Winky is seated on a podium speaking to a large crowd of ...people!! Haunt 1- Garghgh! What...? People! Fleshy people! Haunt 2- What can they be doing here of all places? I knew Winky was up to something dastardly! Let's teach him to mess with our home! Haunt 1- Wait and listen...we must hide in these here shadows and find out who they are! They number near to the hundred, brother! Haunt 2- But they will surely see us, good Haunt. We must darken ourselves...take off your red tops, they'll never notice us! Haunt 1 quickly pulls off his red Haunt suit, and is now a naked skeleton, except for one item of clothing...a Ske-tallica T-shirt. Both Haunts hide in the shadows near to the door... Winky- As you can see ladies and gentlemen, this is the fabled Serpentyle Torc house, unfortunately missing a Torc due to the activities of a cowardly and evil Taffer by the name of Gerald. Or was it George? Never mind. I will show you next the upper rooms of this magnificent... Tourist 1- Gee, Elmer! What a neat place this is1 I never knew they could make theme parks so realistic! I'm sure glad we could come all the way from Boog-lanishan to visit the City! It's just sooo NEAT! Tourist 2- Hey y'all! Shurt up, or Ah'll get Billy-Bubba here ta fetch ma shat-gun an' blow y'all ta hey-ll! Ah'm trayin' ta listen heeyre! Haunt 1, spitting flames with fury- A Tourist group! A hundred tourists come to trash our beloved Old Quarter! And they must have evicted Haunt 3 and Haunt 4! Let's show them the might of the Eye, brother! Haunt 2- No! They might overcome us! They have flash bombs in those little shutter-boxes they keep using on Winky! We must escape...and return with an army of undead! Haunt 1- Let us go! To the Cathedral! Both Haunts put back on their uniforms and race back to the Cathedral at top speed, with murderous red shining in their eye sockets. Back at the house... Winky- And next on our route plan for today's tour party...the Haunted Cathedral! Billy-Bubba- Ah'm hungry, mama! Ah wanna blow me up some o' them there dinosaurs! A burrick looks up in surprise. Burrick- Gnuuuuuurgh! The burrick jumps up, and sprints away on his little legs to his hole beneath Market street, passing Haunts 1 and 2 on the way back... ***************************************************************** Scene IV- "The great undead plot" Haunt 1- This is terrible, we are in grave danger! A nearby crayman starts thinking... Haunt 2- What are we to do? The treachery of Winky! When the Eye hears of this, he'll condemn his brother top a life of Noogie-ing and nipple-crippling! Haunt 1- We're near the Cathedral now...where's your key, brother? Haunt 2- My key! Thou knowest well, I misplaced it on the night of our mass-undead conga party! Some zombie has it now....which would explain the emptiness of the foodstores in the Winter Tunnels... Haunt 1- Curses! I have lost mine also...it must have fallen off when I took off my shirt. We'll have to go in the back! Haunt 2- The back? Haunt 1 -Yes, my brother, the back! Gerald managed it when he attempted to steal the Eye but got Winky instead ages and ages ago… The Haunts head round the back, and climb up to squirm through the viewpoint into the Cathedral. Meanwhile, the crayman finishes thinking and falls over. Scene V "Snow Cray and the 7 naked dwarves" As Haunt 1 and 2 head for the back door at the cathedral, seven odd shapes begin to march their ways towards the cathedral singing a hellish chorus of dreadful moaning -7 Dwarves: “HI HO, HI HO, IT’S OFF TO WORK WE GO!!!!” DrClick is on her consultory on market street and is about to perform surgery on a zombie who wants to have a new jaw when she begins to hear an awful racket… -DrClick: “*click**click???” -Zombie patient (lying on a stone slab): “ UUURRGGHHH??” -DrClick: “*click**click**click*……..*CLICK*!!!!” DrClick cuts of in annoyance the patient’s head and sends it hurtling down market street, she decides to go out to see what all the racket is about and stares in awe at what she sees….7 small naked men singing -7 Naked Dwarves: “HI HO, HI HO, IT’S OFF TO WORK WE GO!!!!” -DrClick: “………..” DrClick is about to slash the dwarves with her pincers when all of a sudden she sees her patient’s body rise from the stone slab and begin to follow the dwarves line, DrClick, sensing defeat, puts on her St.Patrick’s Day hat and follows the dwarves singing along -DrClick: “*click**click*, *click*click* click*clickety**click**click!!!!” The 7 naked dwarves, a headless zombie and DrClick make their way towards the Torc house where a crowd of tourists and Winky stare at them with a puzzled look -Winky: “Erhm…and to your right is a line of naked small men being accompanied by a headless zombie and a crayman with doctor’s clothes, a picture with the group for 5 gold pieces!!!!” Meanwhile Haunt 1 and 2 reach the backdoor of the cathedral and as they open the ancient creaking door they find….. ***************************************************************** Scene VI "The Great Undead Plot, part II" Haunt 1- ...Brother Martello! Brother Martello- Yes, little Haunt. I am the soul of thine departed brother. I see that brother Doughnut was not so fortunate as I...his body is now inhabited by your Haunt spirit, as it was when he perished! Haunt 2 giggles furiously- Doughnut! Haunt 1- Awww, shaddap! Brother Martello- Cease thine bickering, Haunts! I have been summoned because I sense a great danger to our beloved Cathedral...however, the drunken fool who performed the ritual to summon me hast buggered it up! Haunt 1- Benny? Surely thou meanest Benny, Martello. Brother Martello- Indeed- He summoned me saying he heard talk of the Old Quarter being infested by little naked dwarves singing horrifying music, and vile fleshy heathens inhabiting the Torc house. Haunt 2- Naked dwarves? That'll be Benny's imagination... Just then an echoing sound is heard coming from outside the Cathedral.. SnowCray- CLICK!! Clickitty cliiick! Seven Naked Dwarves- Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to work we go! Brother Martello- Argh! This is indeed horrifying! We must summon help! Quick, Haunts- we must haste to summon all the ghosts of our departed brothers to repel these infestations! We must prepare the ritual! Haunt 2- To the attic! (Haunt 2 sniggers again...Brother Doughnut!) **************************************************************** Scene VII- “The Great Undead Plot punctuated with lots of naked midgets dancing and singing hideous melodies in a line accompanied by a crayman in a doctor’s clothing and a headless zombie with no jaw or indeed phantom jaw, Part III” Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 are racing to attic with Brother Martello to perform the ritual needed to banish the horrifying evils infesting the Old Quarter. They climb to stairs, and wearily arrive at the top... Martello- Haunts, with haste you must act to find me a number of items to bring our departed brethren back to this earth to rid the Cathedral of such evils! Haunt 1- What do you need, Brother Martello? Martello- Hmm....I'll need a rosary, a prayer book, a holy symbol, a candle, some nuts, a sack of dough, and a pair of green socks filled with zombie meat. Haunt 2- Thou art mad, brother. From where do we find such objects? Martello- I have no idea, but the taffer who freed me managed it! Now begone, or thou art cursed to listen for all eternity to Snow Cray and the Seven Naked Dwarves for eternity! Haunt and Haunt 2 skulk off to find the required items, while Brother Martello prepares the attic for the ritual....Several hours later, once the singing of "HI HO! HI HO! IT'S OFF TO WORK WE GO!!" has grown deafening in the Cathedral's echoing walls, the Haunts return with the items needed. Martello- Aaah, thy abilities are underestimated, Haunts. Now, stand back. I must perform the processes needed to bring back our brothers! Martello begins to prepare himself for the immensely complex and delicate procedures following, involving an unparalleled state of higher consciousness and immense concentration, where the very fabric of the undead brain threatens to split with the unbearable strain placed on it by the demands of the ritual. Getting up from his sitting position, he chucks everything into a pile, points his hands at it, says 'Abracadabra', and collapses with exhaustion. *BOOOM*
Haunt 1- Dear brother, I think you must have been feeding the local burrick stock something stronger than the usual... Martello, getting up - We must proceed to the Cathedral halls... The three undead hurry down to the rafters to observe the results of Martello's incantations. Haunt 1- By the Eye's unholy voices! Look at them! Haunt 2- Tis a miracle! Martello, having jumped the full distance to the floor- Aaah, Brother von Blimperhosen! How excellent to see you! von. Blimperhosen- Martello! I see ve haff much talking to do! Martello moves around the massive crowds of returned Hammerite apparitions, ghosts and zombies, greeting each one. Haunt 1- So this is the Army we must use to crush the evils that threaten? No more talk! To the Torc! Haunt 2, grasping a nearby weapon, and leaping to the giant Hammer altar- Comrades! Undead! You know why you have come! We must fight the evil that has arisen to disease the Old Quarter!To the Torc! Von. Blimperhosen- Erm, Martello, why's that Haunt brandishing a toilet brush? Martello- Why, I do believe it's the Holy Bogbrush of St. Jenel! Under its banner we shall fight! Undead Crowd- To the battle! Small Apparition- But first, some tea and scones! Having been refreshed by a delicious cup of Darghouling tea, the hordes of zombies, apparitions, ghosts and two Haunts make their way out of the Cathedral doors, following Haunt 2 and the Holy Bogbrush of St. Jenel, heading towards a nearby crowd of dwarves and rednecks... ********************************************************** Scene VIII "The Great Undead Plot" Part IV Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 are leading the massive group of undead followed closely by Martello and von. Blimperhosen, who are talking in secret. Haunt 1- Dost thine ears hearest a familiar clicking sound? Haunt 2- Why yes, we must be near our foes. We shall never be able to execute an attack from behind with this swarm of groaning idiots. Let us traverse farther ahead. I believe that we can take Dr. Click and his evil nude dwarven counterparts by ourselves. Haunt 1- Yes, the army shall be reserved as a backup plan. If in trouble we shall run to them. The two haunts follow up and down passage ways, in and out of sewers and through otherwise extremely small holes. Haunt 1- I do say, are you still carrying that pair of smelly green socks that we had to obtain? Haunt 2- As a matter of fact, no. But I do have a plunger. Why? Haunt 1- Naked dwarves are attracted to smelly objects. I do hope it is a used and unclean plunger, if it is then we should find our short pink friends soon. Lets out a deep laugh. Haunt 2- Aye brother, that it is. But the Dwarves should have found us long ago... you smell worse than an unbathed ape in the dry season! Haunt 1- Never mind that, I think I hear them! warves- High ho High ho... whistle while you march! Haunt 2- Brother art thou prepared to perform the task that destiny has so gratefully lead us to do? Haunt 1- What dost thou speaketh of? Haunt 2 whispers into Haunt 1's opening in the side of his skull where his ear used to be when he was alive. It sounds something like, "St. Jenel's 2nd law: A song can be defeated with an equal and opposite and more stupid song." Haunt 1 nods in understanding as the dwarves all glance questioningly at our two heroes. Haunt 1- in a sing-song voice: If you could be a king, Haunt 2- I'd rather be a dwarf. Haunt 1- A hero great and tall, Haunt 2- I'd rather be a dwarf. Haunt 1- The wisest man in all the land, Haunt 2- I'd rather be a dwarf. Haunt 1- A poet, artist, or a sage, Haunt 2- I'd rather be a dwarf. Haunt 1- A tinker, tailor, soldier, thief Haunt 2- I'd rather be a dwarf. Haunt 1- A pile of rocks, a lock of hair Haunt 2- I'd rather be a dwarf! But I am pretty stupid... I guess I AM a dwarf! The dwarves have been defeated and some scream, "I'm melting" while others, "How could you insult our naked clansmen like that?" But despite all yelling they soon shrivel down to seven glowing mushrooms and are silenced, never again to sing "High Ho" in the like of this realm we call earth. But perhaps... Oh never mind, on with the story. Haunt 1- We sure did them in, Gimme some marrow, Brotha'! Haunt 2- We'll have time for silly gestures later, look there goes Dr. Click, looking just like one of those zombies in a doctor suit from Half-Life. Haunt 1- What is Half-Life? Haunt 2- Thou knowest little of the world's happenings, I shall explain it all in due time. Now let us fly upon out enemy like the wind upon a swaying burrick. The two haunts follow Dr. Click to a room near a river and an old bridge where they find a solitary statue. Haunt 1- Look here is Dr. Click's somewhat off-white outfit. She is now running around naked! But where did she go? Haunt 2- Inside the pocket is a note... lets read it, shall we? The note says: Dr. Click, I hope you have found your way to the keeper's secret hideout. There you will find further instructions on completing your quest to steal our enemy’s mojo. The man you are searching for is very hard to find, he is an experienced shadow that goes by the name of Mr. G. He has an incredibly buff sidekick, named Mr. T. who will no doubt not be far from Mr. G, so proceed with caution. I hope the 7 un-dressed clansmen I sent will help you on your quest. Remember that I have a large reward waiting here for you when you return to me with the mojo. Yours Truely, Dr. Evil AKA Foolster Haunt 1- So our Dr. Click here is a servent of the evil agent Dr. Evil, AKA Foolster! Haunt 2- And he is also in pursuit of the taffer that seems to be haunting our cathedral. Does thou knowest what this means brother? Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Haunt 1- I certainly hope not! I was thinking of what it would be like to have Dr. Evil's companion Veronica, goes by the name of Victoria only on Saturdays between the hours of 8 AM through midnight, as my wife. Haunt 2- You and your strange fantasies!! Anyhow, I was thinking that we should follow Dr. Click to this mysterious shadow and take them both by surprise. Haunt 1- Well... that was my second thought. Haunt 2- But how do we get into the Keeper's hideout? Haunt 1- Let’s find our army and break down the doors! Haunt 2- NO! That would be too obvious, we have to do something unexpected, like sneak through the sewers or open the secret passageway to our left by shooting a fire arrow at that statue. Haunt 1- So what will we do? Haunt 2- I haven't come up with anything yet! Give me time to think... The two haunts continue to search for a way to enter and pursue their foes as the plot thickens like a pile of overgrown moss on a ratman's foot. ********************************************************** Scene IX “The Great Undead we’ve-lost-the-plot, part whatever.” Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 are sitting on a rock near the very secret entrance to the secret keeper hideout which can be accessed by shooting a fire arrow at the secret statue. Which will open the secret door to the secret keeper hideout. Suddenly Haunt 1 raised his head and said secretly: Haunt 1 - Yes! Haunt 2 - Have you come up with something?? Haunt 1 - No, i just remembered where I put my other pair of Haunt-pants(TM). Haven’t you thought of anything? Haunt 2 - No..... So they kept sitting there and thinking and as far as I know they still are and they are so happy. Both Haunts - Hey!! Who`s narrating this anyway? "TWHACK" The narrator falls down dead and someone else takes his place Muttering voice - Damn understudies... Both Haunts - Can we get back to the story!? Voice - Yeah, yeah whatever... As I, or rather the understudy, said before, the two haunts where sitting and thinking about how to enter the secret keeper compound without getting noticed. Suddenly Brother Martello and von Blimperhosen appeared. Martello - Why are you sitting here? Why have you not stopped Dr. Evil AKA Foolster and saved The Old Quarter? Haunt 2 - How did you know... Martello - You dropped the letter. Haunt 1 checking his pockets and finds a hole Haunt 1 - Damn! Haunt 2 - We haven`t come up with a good plan to enter the secret hideout yet. von Blimperhosen and Martello stare at the haunts. Both Haunts - What? von Blimperhosen and Martello keep staring at the haunts. Both Haunts (A bit annoyed) - What!? von Blimperhosen - For the Eyes sake you said it in the last instalment and the dead narrator said it!! The Haunts look at von Blimperhosen in a confused manner. Haunt 2 - You spoke perfect English. Martello (Very angrily) - SHOOT A FIRE ARROW AT THE BLOODY STATUE!!!! Haunt 1 - We can`t. Martello - Why not!! Haunt 1 - Its already been shot... Martello looks as if he is going to explode with rage...And he does! Martello vanished with a puff of smoke. von Blimperhosen - Great job, you two. Now I have to drag him aus der wine cellar. Vielen Dank! And so von Blimperhosen also vanishes with a puff and some smoke. Haunt 1 - He stopped talking perfect English. Haunt 2 - Who cares, if the secret switch has been secretly activated then we can enter the secret hideout and secretly derstroy Dr. Evil AKA Foolster’s sinister and secret plans. Haunt 1 - Right you are. Let us go forth and put our boot print in the butt of evil. Go for the eyes Boo, go for the eyes!! Haunt 2 - Right, lets go. The both haunts enter the secret keeper hideout which now is the secret lair of Dr. Evil AKA Foolster. They slowly descend the stairs to the really, really secret room with books in it. They enter the really secret room and see... Haunt 1 – Hey, aren`t you overdoing it a bit? Narrator - maybe... Anyway someone was sitting in the chair, which was turned away from our two brave heroes. The chair slowly swung around and there was... (Dramatic Drumroll) ********************************************************** Scene X- “The evil scene” And sitting in that chair was...Mr. T himself. He was all tied up and had a dirty sock in his mouth. Haunt 1- Hey! Mr. T!! Can I have your autograph?!! Mr. T- Mrrrmmphh! Haunt 1- What did he say? Haunt 2- I think he said oodles and noodles of blackberry syrup, if I'm not mistaken. Mr. T- Mrrrrph Prrgmm Gaaphham Haunt 1- No he said, "does (female deers) eat oats and goats eat oats and little lambs eat ivy. A kill will eat ivy too, wouldn't you?" Haunt 2- Oh. Well perhaps we should take that dirty sock out of his mouth and find out what he was really saying. The two haunts pull the sock out, but leave him tied up, after all they don't know who’s side he's on, and no one wants to get on Mr. T's bad side. Besides, he's the strongest killing machine this side of the graveyard. Mr. T- What I said was, "Sure I'll give you my autograph." Haunt 1- Ok, do you have a quill? Haunt 2- Enough! Haunt 1, you keep getting distracted, we need to focus on our quest. Haunt 1- Yah, ok... So what happened to you Mr. T? And don't try to lie to us, we read Mr. Click's letter and we are haunts after all, so just assume we know everything. Mr. T- If you know everything then why should I tell you? Haunt 2- I'll handle this! Mr. T, give us the facts or this sock is going right back in your mouth. Mr. T- Actually I was starting to like the taste of dirty sock, it kinda grows on you. But anyhow the Sinister Shadow, Mr. G, and I were so close to finding Dr. Evil's AKA Foolster's extremely secret, unknown, and otherwise hard to find hideout when we were hit from behind. 7 naked dwarves were on top of me, biting at my ears and giving me titty twisters- Haunt 1- The dwarves, I thought we got rid of those blokes! Haunt 2- I know what happened, when they were banished from this realm they simply returned to the realm of Chaos where Dr. Evil AKA Foolster lives. Then he sent them back here again. Mr. T- Sure, whatever. Back to what happened... I easily threw the nude dudes off me but this claw girl, she's a sly one. She opened up a jar of... Haunt 1- Pickles? I do love a jar of pickles, In fact... Haunt 2- Shut Up!!!! Please continue Mr. T. Mr. T- A jar of white spiders. I hate them! I have been known to take on 20 charging burricks with my hands behind my back but I can not stand one single little white spider. I guess we all have odd quirks. Haunt 1- Then what? Haunt 2 gives haunt 1 a menacing glare and Haunt 1 shuts up. Mr. T- Luckily Mr. G, being an expert at getting out of sticky situations,(Haunt 1 giggles). safely escaped. But the pink clansmen tied me up and made sick little jokes towards me. They even made fun of my momma. How dare them! I love my momma. She's the best woman in this world...(sniff)...If I ever find those naked dwarves I'm gonna beat them to a pulp! Haunt 1- So are you on our side then? Mr. T- Yes, of course. I'll make sure that Mr. G does not bother your cathedral any more if you will help get his mojo back and help me to take my revenge on the 7 dwarves. Haunt 2- Yes, we have our own score to settle with Dr. Evil AKA Foolster and his seven soldiers, not to mention the very tricky Dr. Click. Mr. T- Good then. He flexes his muscles: shattering the chair and turning the binding ropes to dust.Lets go! Haunt 2- Why didn't you do that in the first place? Mr. T- Hey. I may be stronger than the stench of a dead zombie but I make up for it in lack of intelligence. Haunt 1- Ok, Here we go now, -singing- Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to bash the dwarves and ruin the plans of Dr. Evil AKA Foolster we go. Mr. T and Haunt 2- SHUT UP! Our three heroes follow a dark passage, through the land of red and white, past three homeless, out of employment, drunk, guards, and to a sign that says, "Dr. Evil's AKA Foolster's extremely secret, unknown, and otherwise hard to find hideout: LEFT" Haunt 1- It left!? Then we came all this way for nothing. Oh well, I've been wanting to take a hot bath in my grave back at home. Haunt 2- not so fast. The word left means that we should turn left and follow that well-lit passage to get to Dr. Evil's AKA Foolster's extremely secret, unknown, and otherwise hard to find hideout. Mr. T- I may be a dumb taffer but something fishy is going on. Why would an extremely secret, unknown, and otherwise hard to find hideout be so...well..obvious and easy to find? Haunt 1- Lets find out. Just standing here wont get us anywhere. It's not like this is a trap that leads us to a pit that falls into a burrick- infested den. And a secret password will let us into the REAL entrance. A sound comes from the well-lit opening that is quite identical to the sound of a burrick burping. Haunt 2- Knowing the style of this narrator I think we better start naming passwords. Mr. T- I think I know it! Haunt 1- What is it? What is it? Mr. T- Well my mother told me to always say this when in doubt, "Please and thank you" The stone beneath the three travelers slides away and they fall into the REAL entrance to the extremely secret, unknown, and otherwise hard to find hideout. Mystic voice- To enter the inner room where Dr. Evil AKA Foolster dwells you must pass three puzzles. Haunt 1- W-w-w- who said that? I'm g-g-g getting scared. Haunt 2- Knock it off your a ghost, you aren't supposed to be scared. Haunt 1- B-b-b-b but I want my mummy! Mr. T- Don't worry little guy I'll protect you. I may be strong but at least I'm a dumb taffer. Mystic Voice- Each member must use their skills to complete all the tests. And now for the first test... Haunt 1- I think I wet my pants. Haunt 2- You can't wet your pants, you have nothing to wet them with! Now be quiet and let the Mystic voice do it's job. Speaking of which, I'd like to comment you on that wonderful voice, it really sets the mood. Mystic Voice- Why thank you. Now, the first test is simply a question. Hunt 1- Oh, I know, To be or not to b- Mr. T and Haunt 2- SHUT UP! Haunt 1- in a small voice Sorry. Mystic voice- Do you wish to enter the extremely secret, unknown, and otherwise hard to find hideout? Haunt 1- No! Mystic voice- Good. You have left your ignorance behind you. Have you need to enter the extremely secret, unknown, and otherwise hard to find hideout? Haunt 1- Well that depends on the tone of voice- Haunt 2- Shut up! Yes, we have need to enter. Now get on with it. Mystic voice- Please enter the door that has just opened in front of you. And don't touch anything that looks expensive. You break it you buy it! They do so and find themselves in a rectangle room with only one texture: GEORGE! And if that weren't bad enough the wall is closing in on them. Haunt 1- We’re Doooooooomed!!! Haunt 2- I suppose since I'm the smart one you expect me to figure how to get out of this mess. Well I just had a brain fart and I can't think. Haunt 1- Man, you have the stinkiest brain farts I have ever smelt! Mr. T- I'll hold this wall back while you guys get out of here. Haunt 1- But how will you escape? Mr. T- Don't worry about me, I may be stronger than a brick but I sure do lack brain power. Both haunts shrug and skeeeedadle out of that room on to the next test... But what will it be? Will Haunt 2 prove useful? Is Mr. T to be reduced to a pile of burrick food? Will our heroes ever bring an end to Dr. Evil's AKA Foolster's evil plot? And whatever did happen to that old sock that keeps coming up? To find out simply continue the story... ***************************************************************** Scene XI- “The practice closing scene” Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 approach the magically-enchanted door to the next room. Carefully, Haunt 2 tries the handle… Haunt 1- Go on , my brother, open the door! Haunt 2- I shall, brother, be patient. Haunt 2 opens the door to the next room. It is dark, with a gleaming pedestal in the middle. A large sign below the pedestal says DO NOT ON ANY ACCOUNT PUSH THIS BUTTON. Haunt 1- Well? We've got this far, we might as well carry on... Haunt 1 pushes the button... Another large sign appears from nowhere. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT DO THIS? Haunt 1 pushes it again. IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER? And again... ARE YOU TOTALLY SURE? YOU STILL HAVE 3 LIFELINES... Haunt 2 walk up and smashed the button with his sword, producing a reverberating and echoing CLANG!!! The Eye- Who dost waken me from my eternal sleep and detoxification? Haunt 2- Erm... The Eye- Enough! I am fed up of this ridicule of the Old Quarter! I go to sleep for a few weeks, and look what happens! We get infested by redneck tourists, mad burricks, evil Doctors and nude dwarves! There's only one way to solve this...not since the days of the old cataclysm have I had to employ this...at least once it's over the Old Quarter will be COMPLETELY normal! Haunt 1, Haunt 2, and masses of other creatures are instantly teleported to the Haunted Cathedral... Haunt 1- No! Not... Haunt 2- It can't be! You can't make us play... The Eye- ***CELEBRITY UNDEATHMATCH!*** *****************************************************************
Our two intrepid heroes approach the Evil Foolster’s domain...
Oh no! It’s the Foolster! What will our heroes Doooooooooooo??!? And now for your reading pleasure, a behind-the-scenes look at Life in the Old Quarter! *Section in between scenes* Having taken a break Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 stand back and watch the undead dance-floor they frequent between Scenes, sipping on a joos each. Haunt 1- Wow, we sure are making a profit out of this acting business! But I still don't get it, why do I have to play the stupid one? Haunt 2- That goes without saying brother. Haunt 2 Begins a fit of the giggles Haunt 1- Well, break time's over, we better get back and finish the Final Scene. By the way, I need some more white powder on my skull, I don't want to look less dead than I actually am! And next time we do this can you cut out the part where the apparition calls us a boner! I just hate being called- Haunt 2- In the name of the builder grab your plunger and let us begin. Or pick up a dirty sock if thy plunger is not available. Director- Please quit your whining and get in your places! *We now return to our regular broadcast*
Aaah, welcome acolytes to the 'Bonehoard Bandstand Dance Club'! Grab a partner and try the 'Femur Jive' dance, guaranteed to loosen up that sagging flesh!
Just watch them go! Deep Voice AND NOW FOR THE FINAL SHOW-DOWN WHERE CHAOS ENDS CHAOS! Scene XII- "Celebrity Un-Deathmatch- The Act of the Damned" CELEBRITY UNDEATHMATCH! The Eye, to the assembled crowd- Round 1, Haunts vs. Rednecks! Go! Haunts 1, 2, 3 and 4 are teleported to the centre of the Cathedral, surrounded by the Redneck tourists... Haunt 1- Join us! Join us NoooOOOwwww..... Haunt 2- Flames, nothing but flames.... Haunt 3- All around you, flames! Haunt 4- A'hm hungry! Gimme yaghurt an' doughnuts! Rednecks- Gee, this is so damned NEAT! We even getta play wargames with this NEAT lil' place! Come on Billy-bob, get yer shatgun fer some rootin' tootin' blastin' FUN! The Eye- Enough! Get on with it! I want a good , clean fight, with no unecessar.. Rednecks- Aaaaaaarghg!!!........gnuurgh! The Haunts run at the rednecks as they fall and are resurrected as new zombies...suddenly, a zombie breaks ranks from the crowd, followed by a chasing burrick and crayman... Haunt 1- Brother! We must fight for out Cathedral...all in all! The scene dissolves into utmost chaos...nude dwarves are flung though the air singing HI HO! HI HO! IT'S OFF TO WORK WE GOOoooooo....Craymen leap about in a clicking frenzy, zombies banzaai jump from the Cathedral rafters and land with a SPLAT on the floor, showering the area in black blood and zombie guts, and Haunt 1 can be seen pinning down a dwarf and forcing a single sock over his head with some difficulty... as Murus sits in the rafters playing his banjo. Several hours later, the Cathedral is quiet...the scenes of the furious battle are still present…overstretched socks lie about the floor, some very confused zombies manage to blow off their own heads with a funny firestick they found on the floor, a small crater is left from an over-excited burrick copying the flying zombies of earlier, and only the solitary figure of Murus can be seen sweeping up the remains while Haunts 1,2,3 and 4 perform the rituals to free the ghosts of Von Blimperhosen and his undead friends. Murus- Ah well, the end of another act, even more chaotic from the last. Our glorious Cathedral is returned to its everlasting peace... Benny- Hic! Didsh I mish somefing? Hmm..time for a visit to the cellarsh to shtock up..Hic! END OF ACT V *********************************************************************************** |
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