The scene is this: all manner of undead beasts from the Old Quarter are running rampage through the streets: craymen are riding burricks, burricks are chasing spiders, zombies are hitting each other and the buildings around them, and our two Haunts have invited all the Bonehoard posse to come and join in the rampaging fun.

Haunt 1- Brother! Come help me demolish this house! Quick, there's a living tree over there! Set it alight!

Haunt 2 rushes over and hacks the house's beams to splinters in a mad frenzy.

Haunt 2- That's the way! Ah, here come our brothers, Haunts 3 and 4, all the way from the Serpentyle Torc house!

Haunt 3- Ho ho, brothers! The night is fresh, and the air calls for a rampage!

Haunt 4- Like, party on undead dudes! Far out or what, maaaaaan!

Haunt 3- You'll have to excuse my brother, fellow Haunts. He's just graduated from Apparition school and must first learn our tong..

Haunt 3 is bowled over by a careering burrick panting and roaring through the night, a disintegrating zombie on his back.

Haunt 1- Come on, I see an Apparition in need of a beating!

The Haunts rush off to the rest of the rampage, gleefully destroying anything they find intact. Soon the whole process boils down to a mass undead-deathmatch, and after a few hours of disintegration, groans, sword and burrick jousting matches, the night is once again still.

Haunt 1, supporting Haunt 2- I say, what a rampage, brother!

Haunt 2- Grnghrgh.....

Haunt 1- Haunts 3 and 4 say we can crash at their place for the night. I hear they have a double coffin we can share, and the house is crawling with spiders.

As Haunts 1 and 2 head back to the house to crash and recover, little do they know of the silent threat hidden in the very heart of the Old Quarter, waiting to take over at any moment. As they sleep their undead sleep that night, they do not feel the presence sneaking up on their world, soon to take hold....but you'll have to wait for the next scene to find out what it is!

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Scene II

Meanwhile Marvin the Sleazy - a former petty thief who made his appearance not long ago, now an apparition - wanders around the Auldale Street area of the Old Quarters, totally oblivious of his surroundings and continuously mumbling to himself:

- ?won od ot desoppus I ma tahw dnA ...nwonk ev'luohs I ,sdrawoc ysuoL .dias yeht ,ronneT .tS fo regnulP desselB a htiw retsiolc eht epacse ot elba eb llahs uoy nevE .dias yeht ,ysaE

Neck-deep in his own stream of consciousness, Marvin completely fails to notice an irregularly shaped object lying right on his path. A few more steps later however, he's forced to learn of its presence... the hard way.

- !eson ym ,hcuO

* For those who may wonder how could an apparition trip over things or have, nosebleeds, bear in mind that it would be logical if they also needed to use doors, which they do need to use. It that doesn't convince you... well, let's just say Marvin is not a very experienced apparition. Happy now? Good.

- ?siht si tahW

A close inspection reveals Marvin that the object he's now holding in his hands (no, I don't know how he manages to hold it! Now go away!) looks remarkably similar to the talking gem he's encountered in the Cathedral - except that even with his poor knowledge of such things and with hardly any light he has no problems noticing it's made of cheap glass. Suddenly, the object speaks:

OBJECT: You don't look familiar, do you. New here?

MARVIN: .sey ,llew ...naem I ?huH ?tahW

OBJECT: Nice to meet you! I'm Winky.

MARVIN: ?ykniW

WINKY: Oh, you know: the twin gem to the Eye & this kind of stuff. Which reminds me, I've got something very important to tell you.

MARVIN: !em lleT ?ti si tahW

WINKY: Well... It's a trap, and you fell for it... sucker. Heh heh heh.

At this moment something metallic flies out of one of the pitch black windows and onto Marvin's head. The unlucky apparition tries to free himself, shouting obscenities in progress - until he realizes something:

- Hey, I can talk normally!

Despite the fact that a large bucket-like object is still covering most of his head, Marvin smiles for the first time since the beginning of his perils. He feels a sudden urge to say something to make sure he's not mistaken; something, anything at all. Like...

- I AM SHODAN. PREPARE TO FEEL MY REVENGE, INSECTS!

Satisfied with the result, Marvin (?) saunters away, leaving Winky in a gutter.

WINKY: Youu! How could you?! Ah, screw it. I'll find my own way home.

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Scene III

Marvin is wandering through the streets of the Old Quarter, vaporising the occasional passing zombie with his new found powers of , um, vaporisation, and his new insane name:

SHODAN: FEAR ME, UNDEAD INSECTS.

A zombie is liquidated, and one arm flies through the air, over a rotted, hacked up building, to collide with...

Haunt 1- Oww! Brother, those troublesome zombies are hurling limbs around again! We must send out a disciplinary squad to re-settle them.

Haunt 2, reclining in a deck-chair- I agree. Allow me to fetch my sword.

SHODAN: YOU SHALL NOT BE NEEDING SUCH A PITIFUL IMPLIMENT. YOU ARE AN INSECT. IF YOU TOUCH THAT SWORD, I WILL KILL YOU.

Haunt 2- What is this intrusion, brother of mine? Help me dispose of this cheeky flesh-creature!

Haunt 2 grabs his sword, shouts Join us! Join us NooooWWWwwwwwww.... and runs at SHODAN.

SHODAN: Fzzzzzzt!

Haunt 2 falls over, doing the Haunt dying routine of gasping inwardly, if you know what I mean.

Haunt 1- Aaah! Mine brother is stricken!

Haunt 1 jumps up and grabs a nearby burrick, and rides away into Audale street in gibbering panic.

SHODAN: INSECTS! NOW I HAVE CONTROL OVER THE OLD QUARTER, NONE CAN STOP ME, EVEN THE ALMIGHTLY HAUNTS AND LEGIONS OF BURRICKS!

The Eye: Right! I have had enough of this, undead citizens of the Old Quarter! These centuries past, I have tried in vain to sleep, but what is this now?

SHODAN looks up towards the direction of the front altar...

Next scene- what will happen in the titanic struggle between the Eye and SHODAN? Who will gain control over the Old Quarter, and can Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 recover to return and claim their Cathedral? Will we see an outside intervention to save the Old Quarter from a fate of being ruled by l337 h4x0r d00ds? Find out in the next episode of 'Life in the Old Quarter!'

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Scene IV: "Digital vs. Magical"

--SHODAN's greatness is in front of the altar where the Eye lies, the Eye being fully awake and annoyed at this new pest decides to make a formal introduction:

-Eye: "I am.....THE EYE!!!"

-SHODAN: "Well I am not impressed, I am SHODAN working component 23456x-b"

-Eye: "Can I just call you SHODAN???"

-SHODAN: "Call me mistress for I intend to run this backwater place with all my children!!!"

-Eye(in his usual cynical voice): "Who'd wanna mate with you?"

-SHODAN: "Oh shut up, blinky...."

-Eye: "Blinky???? That does it! Prepare to..."

--Just then Benny (the drunken haunt) makes his way sloppily towards the altar with a bottle of wine:

-Benny: "Ladeedaaa flamesh around *hic*, flamessshhhh....*hic*, hullo pretty, wanna have a *hic* drink with lil'old me?"

-SHODAN(Waving hands/circuits, etc in disgust): "Aaaaghhhh, away from me insect!!!!"

-Benny: "Inshect *hic*???, why that's the pretties thing a woman ever said to me, I feel so happy I could, I could.....HMMMFFFFFF!!!"

-Eye: "WAIT BENNY DON'T!!!!!"

-SHODAN: "what the...?"

-Benny: "BLUAAARRRRGGGHHHHH *splashh*"

-SHODAN: " EEEWWWWW, you win you win, I am outta here!!!!! Insect you ARE disgusting even for your own kind......agh"

--SHODAN makes some calculations and a dimensional portal appears, in front of the portal Tau-Ceti V is on the horizon:

-SHODAN: "Home sweet home here I come!!!"(SHODAN enters the portal and it closes leaving a blinding flash, all is quiet in the cathedral again)

-Benny(after finished vomiting): "Oooohhh I lost my lunch, didn't I eat that last week????"

-Eye: "So we are saved by a drunken haunt who can't keep his stomach in.....sheesh"

--On the other side of the cathedral at the graveyard lying on a pair of hammocks :

-Haunt1: "Tum ti dum ti dum, yes dear reader we were happily lazying off while Benny did the job"

-Haunt2: "Yeah....too much rampaging tires even undead folks like us, so we sent the new kid, Benny"

-Brother Murus: "Hey look at me, I am running around with scissors (even though I don't know how I can seeing how I don't have substance on my body...oh well)"

--Brother Murus runs by Haunt1 and 2's hammock and cuts of their strings making them both fall over:

*THUD**THUD*

-Haunt1 (on top of Haunt2): "We really need to get an exorcist for him..."

End of Act III

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Act IV: "Where Taffers Weep"

Scene I

--Somewhere near the walls of the Old Quarter, a shadow makes it's way stealthily down the darkened street, the shadow graciously pulls out a bow and a rope arrow and throws it at the wall, as it hits a rope is untangled and our taffer friend begins to make its ascension towards what lies within walls.

--Meanwhile...

-Haunt 1 (walking around the entrance to the cathedral): "Tum ti tum ti tum, I am jest a little hammer haunt, la dee da dooo"

-Haunt 2 (reading a magazine "Boney Weekly"): "Brother I wonder if anything is to happen tonight?"

-Haunt1: "Why do you ask brother?"

-Haunt2: "Well the zombies are all quiet, the burricks have a cold and can't belch and the spiders are cocooning. Only us haunts and ghosts are without rest"

-Haunt1: "We can always get out our hammocks and take a rest..."

-Haunt2: "Maybe..."

--As both haunts converse a sinister shadow makes its way towards them and chuckles...

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Scene II

Sinister Shadow, reg. no. 01353- chucklechuckle!

Haunt 2- Do you hear a chuckling sound, brother? It seems like our Cathedral's constantly being invaded by 'mysterious shadows', or a 'sinister presence ' every five minutes. We really should keep track of them, my brother.

Haunt 1- Don't worry! I already have. Murus has been ticking off their names as they come through the front gates. Yesterday, for example, we had four mysterious presences, a threatening shadow, and an unclassified taffer. It's a menagerie of misfits in here...

Haunt 2- Oh, that's ok then...

*TTTTHHHWACK*

Haunt 2- I am stricken! Hoouuurghghg! (Haunt dying noise)

Haunt 1- Oh get up, it was only a moss arrow. You're such a drama-Haunt.

Haunt 2- I know , but it hurts! I wanna plaster! Mumeeeee!!

Haunt 1- Oh come on, you're really fi..

*TTHHWACK!!*

Haunt 1- Hooouuurghghghg!!

Murus, passing by- Oh really you two. Do get up and stop rolling on the floor like little baby skeletal undead. You're fine, both of you...

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Scene III

Sinister shadow, reg. no. 01353- Chuckle!

Sinister shadow (reg. no. 01353), creeps sinisterly towards the eye with the clear (but sinister) intention of sinisterly stealing the sinister Eye.

Sinister Shadow- Hey! Who are you?!

Sinister Shadow (reg. no. 01353)- I'm the Sinister Shadow reg. no. 01353! And I have a sinister plot that will bring the whole sinister world into my possession! Mwahhahhaa!

Sinister Shadow- I'm afraid I must interrupts your plans, Sinister!

Sinister Shadow (reg. no. 01353)- And who might you be then?

Sinister Shadow- Shadow, Sinister Shadow, reg. no. 007. Your mad (but sinister) plan shalt not (sinisterly) unfold.

Sinister Shadow- You'll never get me alive, Shadow!

Sinister shadow takes something sinister under his cloak, bites it with a crunch and collapses silently and sinisterly to the ground.

Sinister shadow (reg. no. 007) hurries to the Sinister Shadow.

Sinister Shadow (reg. no. 007)- No you fool!

Meanwhile a Sinister Shadow (reg. no. 01353) takes a sinister note that his opportunity has come and...

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Scene IV

Haunt1: HOLD IT!

Sinister Shadows 007 and 01353, who have completely forgotten about both haunts, look up in surprise.

Haunt1: What do you think you're doing here?!

Sinister Shadow 007: ???

Sinister Shadow 01353: Umm, Sinister... Plans... The world...

Haunt1: Quiet! I haven't finished yet. This is just too much.

Haunt2: Yeah! Tell them, my brother! All the time there is nothing but Benny, sinister shadows, other visiting taffers that don't want to join us now, and this story is supposed to be about us!

A passing apparition catches the last words

Apparition: .renob ,dnik ruoy ot roirepus yaw era ew swonk enoyrevE !hgual em ekam t'noD ?ouy tuobA

Haunt2: Boner?!

A zombie emerges out of ruins

Zombie: Stoory?... Uss! We greatest!

Apparition: ?!uoY

A crayman follows the zombie, clicking rapidly - and in the distance, an approaching burrick can be seen

Haunt1: Oh my.

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Scene V

The approaching burrick is coming closer, wallowing stupidly about the Cathedral square...

Burrick- *hic* *buuuurp*

Green gas fills the Cathedral, enveloping the assembled crowd of sinister shadows, Haunts, a zombie and crayman.

Burrick *hic!* *buuuurpsh!!* *hoc..hic*

Haunt 2, holding his nasal socket- This is intolerable! Aren't burricks supposed to produce gas from the other end?

Haunt 1- I agree. I think this has something to do with our newest acolyte...

Haunt 2- Benny! Come hither, drunken Haunt!

Benny- *hic* whatsh wrong now, hauntsch? I ain't done nuffink..

Haunt 1- Come on now...have you been feeding the burricks something delicious and sweet, juicy and tender?

Benny- Nooo......

Burrick - *BBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRP!!!*

More green gas fills the Cathedral.

Sinister shadow reg. no. 0135- Argh! This noxious burrick is melting me! I'm melting! melting!

Voice from the grave- Hey! That's my line! I've done that already, when Benny's drunken vomit melted me back in the last Act or so!

Sinister shadow 01353- I don't care! I'm meeeeelting!

Haunt 1- Brother, lets herd these tortured taffers out of here, before they get resurrected as even more zombies.

The Eye- Too late! Wheeeeee!!! *burp*

The two sinister shadows get up from the floor, and begin to shuffle around groaning and moaning about nothing in particular. Then they head off to patrol Market Street.

Haunt 1- Hmm... something's not quite right...I think the Eye has fallen victim to Benny's drinking.....

******************************************************************************************

Scene VI- "Revenge of a drunken Mystical gemstone"

The Eye- Me? Drunksh? Shilence, misherable Hauntsh! Was it not I who rid the Haunted Cathedralsh of the evil SshshshODAN?

Haunt 2- No, it was Benny...

The Eye- It wash me! Me , I tells you! Nobody believes me, nobody loves me anymore...boo hoo

Haunt 1- Oh *really*. Brother, we must fetch Murus to comfort this miserable mystical gemstone.

Murus- fear not, acolytes, for here I do come with Spiritual Alka-Seltzer Tablets to bring the Eye out of his depression!

The Eye- Oh no you don'tsh! I wanna stay the way I am, mummy!

Murus, climbing up on to the alter of the Hammer- Now, now, there's a good Eye, take your tablets and we'll all feel better...

The Eye- No! I wanna play now!

The Eye does some mystical incantations, and fourteen zombies rise out of the graveyard, making their way slowly to the Cathedral.

Haunt 1- Oh by the Eye's Unholy Voice! More zombies!

Haunt 2- Aye, brother! And since the Eye resurrected them in his current state, they're all as pissed as it! When I catch that Benny, he's in for a re-death!

The 14 drunken zombies form a line in the Cathedral aisle, join arms, and begin a mass can-can dance, singing horribly.

Haunt 2- That noise is horrific! I love it! We should get a record company for that troupe, my brother...brother...?

Haunt 1 has raced over and joined the line, singing along with the drunk zombies.

Murus- Oh dear, somebody should sort this out...I know! I'll have to call for the help of W…

Scene VII

--Brother Murus waits in the cloister. A dark figure approaches him cautiously.

-Brother Murus: Ah! I see thou hast emptied all the trash cans most effectively! Now I have just one task left and I will show you the way out.

-Random Thief: I already scrubbed the toilet in St. Tennors, organized all the broken furniture in Yora's, did your laundry, and baked you a blueberry pie. What else could you possibly need me to do?!

-Murus: It is not but a small matter of... providing entertainment for a small gathering in the main chapel...

---Haunt2 comes out, looking for Murus.

-Haunt2: Murus! Have you finished all your chores? Where's my pie?

---Haunt2 stops as he notices the terrified Random Thief.

Haunt2: Oh good, you found a DJ.

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Scene VIII

As the Eye is on a drunken stupor and zombies (with Haunt1)make a conga line, Hahunt2 and Brother Murus try to figure out how to stop this madness the Eye has caused, even though Benny is the real responsible.

-Brother Murus: "I guess I will have to call....Winky"

-Haunt2: "Winky??? Who may he be?"

-Brother Murus: "The Eye's twin gemstone brother...he may be the only one to stop this madness.....we must go find Winky, Haunt1… Haunt1?"

Brother Murus looks in shock to see Haunt1 join the conga line with Haunt2 and the rest of the zombies

-B.Murus: "*grumble**grumble**grumble*"

Just then Benny(the drunken haunt)enters the Cathedral holding two bottles of wine

-The Eye: "BENNY!!!! WINE!!!!! Let ush *hic* drink..*hic* hehehehe"

-Benny: "*hic*, hush you taffershhh *hic*, we gonna drinksh thish fine *hic* wine, with my *hic* per-por-par-PERmissionsh *hic*"

-The Eye: "Wheeeeeee!!!!"

As Benny and the Eye begin to drink more Brother Murus goes out to look for Winky so order can be restored.....or the Old Quarter will forever be in a drunken stupor with Benny's drinking

-The Eye and Benny(singing): "99 bottles of mead on the wall, 99 bottles of mead, take one down off da wall, 98 bottles of mead on the wall, 98 bottles......"

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Scene IX

Shortly after the random thief - after some persuasion, involving a length of chain and a pair of shackles - starts DJing the undead party, both haunts and brother Murus quietly slip out to the Quarter...

*CLANG* *THUD*

Murus: Quiet! Do you want the Eye to notice that we're gone?!

Haunt1: Sorry, I tripped on something... Hey, that looks like my sword, the one you borrowed back in Act 1!

Murus: Err... How can that be, I'm sure I've returned it! You even have it with you at the moment!

Haunt1 examines the hilt of the sword he's found: there is "Property of Haunt1, the Haunted Cathedral" engraved on it. Then he takes a peek at the one by his belt: the writing says "FAKE".

Murus: Err...

If haunts had eyes, if looks could kill and if ghosts were affected by such means, brother Murus would be nothing but flames at the moment.

Haunt2: Move it you two, we'll never find Winky at this rate! You'll talk (heh) about it later.

Haunt1, still a bit angry: Flames, nothing but flames...

Murus gets even more transparent than he is normally.

Finally, the three get on with their search. A few hours later, the two haunts can be found in the Auldale Street.

Haunt1: I'd say, dear brother, it seems we'll never find Winky around here - and I'm getting worried, for the noise from the Cathedral is louder and louder every passing minute.

Haunt2: True, my undead comrade. If the humans from outside the Quarter hear it, it will be no more peace and quiet for us... I mean it is fun to tell everyone to JoinUs Join Us Now!, but even for a haunt there is a time when it needs some rest and if we start getting hundreds of unwanted guests every single way we'll... *THUD!!!*

Winky: Now that does it! First I get dropped into a gutter and now someone has almost stepped on me! Where do you people learn your manners?!

Haunt2 manages to catch one of his small bones that flew into his skull due to the fall and has been rattling inside. Then he pulls his face out of a considerably-sized pile of... burrick waste, leaving a skull-shaped impression on it.

Haunt1: YUCK! Don't get close to me!

Winky: Oh, it's you two. What's up?

Brother Murus, rushing out of one of the ruined houses: What's happened?! I've heard a loud thud... EEW! Your face is covered with burrick waste, Haunt2!

Haunt2, very angry: Oh really? Thanks for telling me! By the way, do you know you have a large sword-shaped hole in yours?

Winky: Yeehaw! Party time!

Murus: Winky!!! It's you!

*SLASH*

After a few minutes of clarifying the ghost-haunt relations, the three collect the Eye's twin gem from the gutter and head finally back. With one exception: Haunt2 leaves the others for a while and quickly runs towards the nearest water puddle, scaring a crayman while on his way.

Haunt2: Dang! One day I'll find a way to make a sword work on this immaterial irritant, and then...

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Scene X

"Winky's Return"

The three undead continue their way back to the Cathedral, having been joined by a scowling Haunt 2, who can be seen fingering his sword menacingly.

Winky- When're we gonna be there? I feel sick! I need the toilet!

Haunt 1- Silence! If you throw up evil vomit, you'll be no better than the rest of those drunken disgraces we need you to sort out.

Winky- Ok...

Murus- Look, Haunts. We draw near to our glorious Cathedral! I can hear the burricks happily chasing the zombies around the corner.

A zombie shambles out in front of the three, and falls with a surprised grunt down a spider hole, not seeing the sudden jerk of Haunt 2's foot. They reach Cathedral Square.

Winky- Ah! I can see my brother now...so cute when he does that...

The Eye is resurrecting several hordes of zombies and apparitions, all with oversized noses and enormous front teeth.

The Eye- Where'sh Benny? We musht dwink some more to shelebrate thish greeeeeeat party!

Another troupe of zombies are chased out of the Cathedral doors by a howling burrick, who accidently flames a crayman with his noxious breath.

Crayman- Click!

Haunt 1, amid the utter chaos, climbs up to the stand above the cathedral gates, and yells for silence.

Haunt 1- Silence! This is SILLY! Stop it right now! Look at yourselves, and especially YOU! (pointing at the Eye) In the first Act, this Cathedral was peaceful, quiet, and pleasurable to haunt! None of us could speak! All we ever really said was Join us! Join us NoooWWWWwwwww... to the occasional taffer! Now look at what's happened! And it's all your fault, allowing yourself to get drunk under the influence of Benny!

The Eye- I'm sho shorry, boo hoo hoo...

Winky- It's Ok, brother o' mine. Lets hold claw-type things and hands and all sing a song! Come on guys!

Every zombie and haunt, burrick and crayman, spider and apparition join hands, and start swaying back and forth together in one big motion. Haunt 1 brings out a pink banjo, and they all sing..

The Old Quarter- All you need is love, love , love...nothing more, nothing less, love, love, love...

Passing guard, on the other sides of the barricades- Ah! So sweet!

Taffer hiding from the guard- Sniff! So lovely! I wonder who's making that beautiful music?

Back in the Old Quarter, the song comes to an end, and the Eye, now returned to soberness, commands the legions of undead back to their patrolling posts in the Old Quarter. Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 return to the inside of the Cathedral, which has now returned to its once-upon-a-time-ago state of peacefulness, the only sound being that of shuffling zombies, and the clink of haunts' chain mail as they patrol. Benny is snoring peacefully in the corner, the Eye is standing watch over the altar, and Murus is strolling around St. Tennor's making pleasant remarks about the weather...

Haunt 2- Banzaiiii!

Haunt 2 leaps from above, bring down a huge inflatable hammer upon Murus' head, drenched in holy water...

Haunt grins evily up close to the screen and winks cheekily as the scene fades for the end of Act IV...

End of Act IV