Part I

--After the hazy events of last night both Haunt1 and Haunt2 felt very tired (dead tired to be exact)and they decided to have moonbath outside of St.Yora's, until they remembered that it was a moonless night, so both haunts decided to have a small picnic at the cathedral's graveyard:

-Haunt1 carrying a heavy looking basket: "Oooff (this basket's heavy), brother with this feast of rotting burrick flesh, unholy water and some stale moldy bread we shall eat like kings!!!"

-Haunt2 carrying some zombie heads and a club resembling a bat: "Aye dear brother, but not only shall we dine like kings, but also have lots of fun playing our favourite game, headball!!!"

-Brother Igthorn (an apparition passing by): "???sdaeh eibmoz dna teksab taht htiw owt uoy gniog uoht era erehW"

-Haunt1: "No, you cannot, this is a haunt only pic-nic, so there!!!"

--Haunt2 cackles wickedly at brother Igthorn and walks away with Haunt1:

-Pissed off Igthorn: ".....TAHT TOUBA EES LLAHS EW, ?HUH CIN-CIP YLNO-TNUAH A S'TI OS"

--As both Haunt1 and 2 make their way towards the graveyard Igthorn disappears in a puff of smoke and all is quiet....for now....

Part II

Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 go out into the square in front of the Cathedral to eat their rotting picnic, while Igthorn the apparation storms back inside in a puff of smoke...

Haunt 1- I say, this is all rather pleasant. Pass the zombie heads, would you oh brother of mine?

Haunt 2- Certainly, o brother. Here you go.

Haunt 1- Why thank you. I'm sure it's delicio...URGH!

Haunt 1 throws the plate up in disgust.

Haunt 1- This zombie meat is, well, NOT ROTTING! It's a perfectly cooked, juicy, tender and succulent piece of sirloin steak dripping with butter and cheese sauce!

Both Haunts vomit noisily into their robes, calling for help as they gag on their sirloin steaks.

Igthorn: !dekrow sah nalp live ym !haH hA

Haunt 1- Quickly! *gag* Take us to the Cathedral Infirmary! *vomitvomit* We need to go to Haunt-spital!

Haunt 2- I thoroughly *gag* agree!

The scene sets and rises on Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 tucked up in Hauntspital beds beneath the Cathedral, each with a cuddly Beanie-Burrick tucked under their arms. Haunt 2 is sucking his thumb-bone.

Dr. Cray- Clickclick click klikkiliklllik Clicketyclickclickclick ety click.

Click kliK! Click cliiiiiIIIIIIickckckckc.......

Next scene- will Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 get better? Will anybody visit them in Haunt-spital? Find out in the next instalment of Life in the Old Quarter!

Part III

--Both Haunt1 and Haunt2 lie in beds at the haunt-spital after suffering the effects of food poisoning (poison as in "not rotten" food), Dr.Cray the local crayman (dressed in doctor's robes with a pair of glasses)of the cathedral checks out on the 2 haunts as they lie on stone slabs(beds):

-Dr.Cray: "click-click-click-click, clicketty-clicketty clickclickclick.....CLICK!!!!"(translation: well you both seem in pretty bad shape and you might have to stay for a while.....HAH!!!)

-Haunt1: "Ow my poor tummy....."

-Haunt2: "Flames in my tummy, flames, nothing but flames making me fart" *FRRTT*

-Haunt1: "PHEWWW!!!!"

--Dr.Cray gets a whiff of Haunt2's fart and passes out:

-Haunt1: "Dear brother, thou gas hath maketh the kind doctor pass out"

-Haunt2: "Bah...he was a lousy doctor anyways, could never understand crayish"

--Both haunts keep mumbling and moaning about their tummies as Igthorn on a shadow nearby chuckles to himself.

---Will Haunt1 and 2 get better?, will Igthorn pay?, and where does a crayman attend med school to?---, all this and more in the next part of "Life in the Old Quarter"

Part IV

At about the same time but not in the haunt-spital...

It is quiet in the Cathedral. Too quiet, as would someone say in a cheap B-class horror movie. The Eye is asleep, all the haunts, zombies, apparitions, craymen, burricks etc. are on a rampage on the streets of the Old Quarter, trying to find anything at all that hasn't been destroyed already. Suddenly a door creaks open...

Benny (carrying two bottles): Join me... join me... join me now! ... Where ish yvvryon, I found this phfantastish rum in the ba...ba... umm, cellar! H... hullo?

He staggers, almost dropping one of the bottles, then, confused, starts looking around.

At this very moment, a rope extends from one of the Cathedral's high windows. A figure of a black-clad man carefully lowers itself down to the floor.

Man: Strange... This place was supposed to be crawling with undead...

Benny, standing a few feet behind man's back and still confused, stares at him blankly. Suddenly an expression of understanding appears on his, err, face

Benny: HEY!!! BAD GUY!!! (*HIC*) YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!!

A bit more and the man would have reached the window he entered through without using a rope

Man: AAAAAAAH! Help! (turns around) It's... it's... it's Benny! Well I'll be damned!

The Eye (annoyed because all the shouting woke it up): That can be arranged, human!

The man gets turned into an apparition

Man: !tnerapsnart m'I !?em ot deneppah tahw ,on hO (looks through his hands in horror)

Benny (disappointed): Oh sheesh... Another one of them *HIC* appa... appa... ghost taffers... They don't know howta drink... *BURP*

He throws one of the bottles out through open door, knocking out one of the returning craymen.

• Will Benny manage to have a drink with someone?
• Who is the new ghostly resident of the Cathedral?
• What does it all have to do with Haunt1 and Haunt2?
• Stay tuned for more episodes of "Life in the Old Quarter"!

Part V

The scene passes once again back to Haunt-spital, and Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 are still lying flat on their beds, moaning over their illnesses...

Haunt 1- Brother, we have seen no change in our conditions these past few nights! We have missed out on *two* mad rampage sessions, and missed the chance to recruit yet another brother to our ranks! When will we get better?

Haunt 2- I know not, faithful brother. I am beginning to suspect that our conditions were not caused by accident.

Haunt 1- No?

Haunt 2- No! I have heard these past few days of agony brother Igthorn dancing around St. Yora's in glee, singing in Apparation language! He seems triumphant..

Haunt 1- Well, we did say he couldn't come to our Haunt only picnic...Maybe he replaced our zombie meat with fresh and tasty sirloin!

Haunt 2- I think so. If that is the case, there is only one option! We must banish him from this world!

Haunt 1- I agree, brother. But first, we must escape from these bloody uncomfortable beds. If we could just find some nice unholy water to cure us...

Haunt 2- We must call for help! Eye, O great master, send us aid!

The Eye- What is it now? Water you want? Very well, you shall have it. Now shut up and let me sleep!

Suddenly, a spurt of unholy water erupts through the ground, splashing both Haunts and curing thm of food poisoning.

Haunt 1- Right! Now we must banish this foul apparation! There is only one option- ram Igworth's head down the Holy Toilet of St. Jenel and flush him to eternity!

Haunt 2- To arms, brother! Once we've finished with brother Igworth, we can go and join our undead friends on a rampage!

A few hours later, Igworth is bouncing around the Cathedral, singing backwards.,. Haunt 1 and Haunt 2 are hiding in the shadows....

Haunt 2- Now, brother!

Igworth: grgrrraaaaaA!

The Haunts grab Igworth and un-manhandle him to St. Jenel's....before ramming his head down the toilet bowl and flushing him to the Builder

Igworth: !!!rghrghrghrooooooooAAAAAAARRrrGGGG

Haunt 2- Ah- I'm glad that's over. Now, to the rampage!

Haunt1 and Haunt 2 skip gaily out of the Cathedral doors, grab their swords, and spend the rest of the night hacking up the rest of the Old Quarter to bits, chasing craymen and riding burricks till dawn...